Remembering Our Part

A few months ago I wrote Remembering.  What I had intended to write morphed into what I needed to write that day. But I've still wanted to go back and try it again ever since.

So.... take two:

As I mentioned in Remembering, the word Remember appears all over in the Book of Mormon. So much so that it really hit me during my 65 day reading challenge.

The more I pondered on it and its different significances, the more I felt the word ingrained on my heart. One significance which I already wrote about was God's Remembering Hannah (and each of us) and his promise to her to make her a mother. He remembered her. (as I know He will Remember me)

Another meaning that has grown in me is that Remembering is not a one-way street. We must Remember as well. There are many things we're asked to remember.

First and foremost, we're asked to Remember Him. Christ came to earth for us. He came and taught and loved and lived for us. Everything He did, He did as an example for us. He taught us how to find peace and happiness and he did it all to glorify His Father. Our Heavenly Father.

Then, if His teachings weren't enough, Jesus Christ performed the most unimaginable pain and anguish---physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Then gave His life on the cross so that He could rise again and make possible the resurrection to life eternal-- for each of us.

So God has promised He will Remember us (and He has proven that time and time again -- most especially through the Atonement).  And we are asked to Remember Jesus Christ.  Then, in connection to remembering Jesus Christ, we are asked to remember his teachings and commandments. We are asked to remember to do those things.

To do.

Remembering is not stagnant. It's not an individual occurrence. It's a life-long process of action and improvement.

Which brings me to a few things I've learned. (Do you remember how oh-so-human I am?) These things are what I've learned that I need to do. Everyone is different (which, by the way, may be one of the many reasons Christ taught in parables. While the principle we each learn is the same, we still may each glean that lesson in a different way or need to apply it a little differently depending on our life experiences).

Your brain can really only think about one thing at once. Which is why we don't go stir-crazy in our environments- like a student:   in a room with the florescent lights buzzing, pencils scratching, sniffing, the texture of your clothes, the hum of computers, the temperature, the whispering behind you, the tapping of a pencil next to you and then your own thoughts as you try to take a test.  Our brains- our bodies are designed to be able to block out unnecessary stimuli to help us focus on one thing.

While this is completely necessary to keep us sane (thank goodness for it...), it also makes us human and subject to forgetting.

We are told in the scriptures to pray continually. We're supposed to be faithful. We're supposed to think of the Savior. We're supposed to think of our family and our neighbors and pray for our enemies and do our visiting teaching and take care of our families and keep a house of order and attend church and meetings and read our scriptures and say our prayers....but pray continually.

It's a lot to remember. It's a lot to do. And it's hard for us to do it all- to remember it all.

So we each need to find ways or tricks to handle all of the important stuff so we don't miss out on what the Lord is trying to teach us.

Go back with me to 2012. Bryce and I had moved to Texas the year before and we were finally in a position to pursue, again, some fertility treatments. But I didn't know what doctor to go to or what route of treatment to even pursue. I was working full time and trying to remember all of those things I mentioned above....and failing at many of them but I was trying. During that time I had several notable spiritual, but seemingly every-day, experiences that lead me to the right doctor at the right time and got us started on our journey that we hoped would lead to parenthood. (by the way, I am absolutely sure that it was God who arranged the journey for us and though doing fertility treatments did not result in bringing a baby into our home, it was all necessary for our growth and I wouldn't change any of it).

I was keeping those experiences in my heart during our diagnosis and treatments. Then, I heard or recalled hearing, somewhere, that keeping a pen and paper on your nightstand so you can write down impressions, dreams or thoughts immediately when they happen can increase your spiritual sensitivity.

I had a running notebook for taking notes in church but didn't actually journal much in the way of every day experiences.  But after hearing that bit of advice, I placed that journal by my bed at night and in my purse during the day. Every chance I got, I was going back and recounting the experiences that I didn't want to forget. Because even by then I was forgetting small details.

As I continued to write and recount, I realized it was making me more spiritually sensitive, more thankful and more aware of the Lord in my life.

I was Remembering.

I forget so so easily. Ask me what I did last weekend. I probably won't remember or it will take me ten minutes to remember. So writing down the ways God has blessed me and writing down the miracles I'm seeing and the growth experiences I'm encountering is me showing the Lord that they matter to me. It's showing the Lord I want to Remember. That I want this life and these experiences to be written on my heart. I want to Remember.

Even most of my worst memories that some would think I wouldn't want to remember....I want to! I don't ever want to forget day I started losing our baby we had fought for for five years or the day it was over. Or the day I was diagnosed and told how hard conceiving and remaining pregnant would be for me. Or the day I miscarried again only to know that that was likely my last chance and I would need to come to terms with that. Or the days of pain with OHSS, walking the dark hall of my little house at 3am saying over and over "I'm calm and I'm ok. It's ok. I'm ok".

I don't want to forget those experiences. I want to remember them as much as I want to remember the days of miracles and blessings because the hard days are truly the days we're closest to our Heavenly Father. They're the days that are refining and purifying and that will make me into the woman He wants me to be.

I want to Remember.

Preparing while Waiting

Y'all, I've waited six years to buy a crib. I've waited six years to put a nursery together. 

And this week, We bought a crib and changing table and a rocking chair. 

We haven't been matched or anything; that's not why I did it. I did it because we are hoping and praying and it Will happen. :) One day, the right young woman with more love in her heart than I can imagine will choose us and allow us to be mom and dad to her baby. 

So this week I decided I couldn't wait anymore. 

I'm waiting on decor or paint or bedding. I'll do that once we're matched and know if it's a boy or a girl. I have lots of plans for each. :) 

So for now, I'm keeping it somewhat gender neutral. 

This rocking chair is an antique. It was repainted white and then the last owner had the cushion recovered. I'm in love with it. It might end up in the dining room because I want something more comfy in the nursery but it looks pretty in here for now! 

(Did I mention I got the rocking chair for $30? Oh yes I did. I know you're jealous because I'm jealous of myself) 

Waiting with Gratitude

The level of gratitude with which I endure the waiting over years is a roller coaster. At times I'm doing awesome and feel really grateful for everything I already have--I'm on a high and going higher and feeling closer to Christ. Other times, I'm facing the ground, falling head first, as I forget everything I've been blessed with and focus only on what I'm lacking...on what I continue, year after year, to wait for.

This was the case with fertility treatments and the adoption process is no different. Highs and lows.

We really got going with the adoption process three months ago and our profile went live one month ago. I was on a high doing all the paperwork and getting things done. And then our home study went really well but I got caught up in the frustration of having to 'prove' myself as a competent person to be able to take care of children.....when, in reality, if I was fertile, no one would ever question my ability to take care of my biological children. I disregarded the fact that we had accomplished so much and that we were approved and we were GOOD!!! Instead, I let myself focus on the unfairness of it all. Bryce always reminds me life was never meant to be fair.

I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and started feeling better when I looked for the blessings I'd already received. We got our profile done and that was another high. :)

Since then we've been contacted by several birth mothers. It's been an eye-opening, interesting and sometimes difficult experience. But overall, just really cool. I've loved talking with these women that have such a huge decision to make and are trying so hard to do the right thing. They've each taught me a lot already.

Each time we're contacted is an exciting time. We went into adoption fully aware that before we have the blessing and opportunity to bring our little one home, we would be contacted and not chosen and that we would also be contacted by fake/scam birth moms. It happens. We accepted that as likelihood before we started. Which is good because we've already experienced both already. And that's ok! 

I just keep remembering....or reminding myself that each one that doesn't work out, doesn't work out because it's not the right baby for us. So how could I want it any other way?

But remembering that doesn't always make the waiting any easier.

So driving to work today I made a commitment to myself to focus more intently on what I'm grateful for now. On what God has provided. What God has orchestrated. What God does for me every day. How much God loves and watches over us....over me.

So here I go, I'm back to facing heaven in my personal roller coaster.

Lindsay Ross Blog Interview

Recently my sister's good friend Lindsay Ross contacted me. She has an amazing uplifting blog! She has a section of it devoted to Real Life Sories about women she knows.

My sister Jen had suggested  to her to interview me because of our infertility journey. (holy moly...I didn't feel like I belonged on there with all the other amazing women she's interviewed!) So when Lindsay asked me I was shocked but agreed to do it because the more women willing to be open about their infertility journey the better--it always needs another voice.

So I did the interview and it went live last month. I posted about it on FB but never posted a link from here! So I still feel weird about sharing it but it was an amazing opportunity and I'm really grateful that she asked me to do it. So go check it out---and more importantly, go read all the other Real Life Stories!!

Our Adoption Profile is LIVE!!

Here's the link!

Bryce & Cherise's Adoption Profile

Any and all help spreading the word is tremendously appreciated.

We are adopting privately (not through an agency) so we have to do all our own searching/spreading the word. You are welcome to post a link on your FB, IG, Twitter or your blog! Or whatever else you can think of.

And of course word of mouth. If you know someone who is looking to place their baby for adoption and is looking for adoptive parents please please send her our way- we would love to meet her. Obviously there is no obligation in talking to us. :) We know many women who begin looking for adoptive parents haven't even decided for sure if they want/need to place their child for adoption yet. So we are open to talk to her at any point!

Thank you all for your love and support.
We've been so very blessed by each of you!

xoxo

Cherise and Bryce

{Remembering}

Have you ever been forgotten? Have you ever felt forgotten?

It's kind of one of the worst feelings ... ever. 

Have you ever been remembered? Have you ever felt remembered? 

It's kind of one of the best feelings ever.

The word Remember, or a form of it, is used two-hundred & twenty-one times in the Book of Mormon.

As I did the 65 day challenge to read the Book of Mormon, I found myself circling it every time I read it. I knew it said it a lot but this time, in particular, it felt bigger.

Like most spiritual things--as I pondered over this, it's slowly begun to come together in my mind over the last couple of months. And then this weekend it finally culminated into something I could actually write about.

I don't know how many times Remember is in the Bible. But there is one phrase I know from the Bible using it.

And the Lord remembered Hannah. 

Hannah had prayed for a baby for years but had remained childless, her womb closed and empty. But finally, the Lord remembered Hannah and she bore a son, Samuel.

I have not been remembered by the Lord in this way. But He has shown me that I am remembered...


I had finished the day. I had gotten so much done; I normally would have felt proud and satisfied and happy. But as I settled in, I just felt my empty house and my heavy heart, once again, aching to love our little ones yet to come into our home. I turned to the scriptures seeking some kind of solace.

Hope and faith had been a little scarce to my heart in recent days as I had allowed my focus to be on all that needed to be done to move forward with adoption. I felt the 'winds boisterous' and by doing so, I lost my focus, as Peter did, as he tried to walk on the water to Christ. I was sinking.

As I held onto my scriptures and tried to write my thoughts in my journal as I went, I remembered what my sister had told me several days before about two of her children. When she initially told me, I had planned to write it down and had forgotten by the time I returned home that day and so it never happened. But as I wrote, I recalled her words and began to record what she had recounted to me.

Jen told me last week that Taelyn (age 8) had been stressing all day over a school/class performance they were practicing for at school that week. During the performance she would have to link arms with a boy at one point. This was Not ok with her and she was really distressed over it. (I can totally relate! I had a similar experience at her age! Boys...) So her distress had reached a peak and so Jen suggested they pray about it. As they knelt together to pray, apparently Tae just looked up at her mom and asked if she could pray for me to have a baby.

I was remembered.

In the midst of the angst of 8-year old drama over a boy, she remembered me and my own angst. (She is also one that while playing house with a friend a couple years ago, was overheard instructing her friend on what their house game would be about--- "and you couldn't have kids, so you adopted...") She's my little angel. Oh, how I want to be more like her!

During that same conversation Jen told me about Tanner (age 11). Again. That boy has a heart of gold.  (All through our IVF treatments he would randomly send me a text from his iPod, "How are you?" "When do you get to go get your baby?")  Well, this time, on fast Sunday Jen was asking him if he was fasting for something he was having a hard time with at the time and he said no. She asked why and he said, "Well, I'm fasting for Cherise. I fast for her to get her baby every month."

I was remembered.

By little hands clasped in prayer to their big God, I was remembered. By unassuming, faithful, trusting little hearts, I was remembered.

These little ones I had witnessed come into this world Remembered me.

My God is big too. Still. After more then 2,300 days of barrenness, my God is still big and does big miracles and has one in store for me. In my emptiness, He remembers me.

I still judge Him faithful who promised.

{Goals During Hardship}

What I have recorded below are word-for-word goals I wrote down in a notebook that I pulled out this weekend. I wrote them a week after my infertility diagnosis that confirmed that we would likely never become pregnant without medical help. I had just found out that I was missing half of my uterus and I was feeling emptier than I had in a long time. I knew I had a long road ahead of me and I didn't want to lose myself by being buried by it all. I wanted desperately for the Lord to make of me what he knew I could be. 

GOALS:

To come out on the other end being able to look back and feel proud and happy with how I handled this trial. 

To always remember that it is these moments and these experiences that will make the blessings all the greater. 

To be grateful to the Lord and remember to look actively for the miracles and blessings from Him.

To have my testimony strengthened by these experiences; not weakened.

To never allow fear to guide my actions. To remember to acknowledge the fear and respect that it is there but not to allow it to be a dominant guide. 

To take control of our situation and never feel controlled by it.

To respect my feelings and allow myself to feel what I feel. 

To remember and know that these things are because they were meant to be and it is how the Lord intended.

To Trust God and Go and Do.

To always remember that it's a beautiful heartache to have and it's a beautiful dream.

What I didn't know at the time, was that writing these down on paper, even just in an old spiral notebook that got put in my hope chest, wrote them on my heart. And the spiritual truths behind them have gotten me though the hardest of days. 


Taking the time and effort to write down spiritual experiences and goals shows the Lord that He is important to you, and doing so can bless you your whole life. 

{Limited, but yet...}

It was a day I had anticipated and dreaded for years. We were so close to figuring this out. And we were so close to knowing more than I wanted to know. And once we knew....we would have to decide what to do about it.

Bryce couldn't come in with me. But I knew he would be there after the test was over.
Halfway through I could tell that my doctor had been right. This was it. This was the test that would explain the years of waiting, frustration and tears. The one my other doctors had waved off as unnecessary.

My hair scrunched behind my head as I craned my neck back and caught a glimpse of the screen behind me on the wall. The dye revealing my womb on the screen squiggled up and to the right .... and never to the left. More dye -- more pain -- and still nothing more. It should have been a mirror image, but the left side never showed itself. Was one of my tubes just blocked?  I let my head drop back down and I flexed my toes against the cramping, wishing I had Bryce's hand to hold and his ever-smiling eyes there to reassure my fears.  Dr. N. and Tiecha talked me through the test but carefully avoided telling me the full truth for the moment. It could wait.

We finished the test and I was left alone to change again and get dressed. The cramping in my stomach reminding me that we had a whole lot to discuss once I opened that door. My hands and legs shook--both from pain and from fear.

Will she tell me I'll never bear a child? Will she tell me my womb--that, in the past 4 years, should have housed and born at least two chubby-cheeked babes by now--will actually remain empty....barren, the rest of my life?  I may not hold a medical degree, but I knew those pictures of my insides were incomplete.

This wasn't right.

Half dressed, I leaned into the table white-knuckled, still shaking, choking down the lump in my throat and failing to prevent the tears that seemed set on escaping in waves. 

Was this really my life? How did I get here? 

My heart hurt and I wanted to curse my flat stomach. I took several more deep shuttering breaths and opened that door.

Bless my husband and his smiling eyes. That's what I love most about him. His smile always reaches his eyes. Especially when he knows I'm lacking.

Dr. N. was printing from her computer at the desk in her office as I sat down close to Bryce at the table and he grabbed my hand in a fierce grip. He was all support and love and assurance. I locked eyes with his and just shook my head, wanting him to be prepared that this wasn't routine. He just squeezed my hand harder and pulled my chair closer.

After that was a blur. She went over what we already knew--my labs and the PCOS and all. Bryce's tests were good, something to be grateful for. But then she refocused on me.....

Thankfully she's an amazing doctor and she taught us as she talked us through the information, the odds and the realities.  But it was a. lot. of. information.  

Unicornuate Uterus. Excuse me?  Missing half of your uterus. Half size, half volume.  No surgical cure. Both ovaries are present but need MRI to check for missing kidney. Seriously?  One fallopian tube. But I’m 25….I’ve been this way all my life?

There was that moment when we asked if pregnancy was even possible.

Yes.... sigh of relief....but most likely never without medical help.   At least it's possible. There's hope.
Possible, but difficult.  High-risk. Done, we've got this.  Won't go full term. C-section. Breach. Multiples would be too dangerous.  I can never have twins.  Selective reduction. What?? 

Limits. Limited.  I am limited.  I felt so limited.

But 

I also felt hope. God always has a plan. This wasn't something we had brought upon ourselves. It wasn't a mistake. He allowed it and would see us through it. Plus, we had be lead to an amazing doctor, and she was going to walk us through all of it and fight for us.

And fight she did. We'll forever be grateful for a doctor who fought to find the problem and then who fought to help us with our dreams. 

She never told us never or impossible. But over time and after our miscarriages, I've recalled the decisions we had made over and over through the years, including one I made that fateful day.

Just before I opened that door I realized something. If I couldn't bare children....if she told me there was just no way, I would accept it and we would be happy anyway.  We would adopt and we would have an amazing life loving them and I wouldn't look back.  So when I opened that door, I opened it knowing that even the worst diagnosis would lead me to our babies and to the life God had in store for me.