After the Tears come the Sun

I guess I've been avoiding the last of the details. I haven't had the heart to write about it yet but I think it's time to get it down and....well, I would say and move on. But I know I'm not actually to the moving on stage. And that's ok.

After our second pregnancy test, we were happy to have our numbers going up. We knew we had to be careful but we had so much hope and knew that it could happen and we could have a miracle if the Lord permitted it. We prayed so hard and we loved our little one with everything we had.

The day came for our third test.....Bryce's birthday.  I went to the office before work like normal. They drew my blood and I asked a few questions. Afterwards, I headed to work and prayed. We knew I'd get the call mid-afternoon with the test results. The call came in at 2:30pm like normal but I missed the call since I was with a patient at the time.  So I headed back to the break room with my phone, a pen and a notepad in case they had instructions for me, and shut the door and sat down at the table.

It's usually a nurse that calls so when I got a voicemail from Dr. N saying to call her back, I knew.

I called her right back as I cried. She answered and I pulled it together enough to talk. She began reviewing the tests I had already done and I just listened. She got to today and told me our number.

Six. Only six.

It had plummeted and we were miscarrying.

Again.

Our last little embryo. Our last baby. Our baby.

I cried. On the phone with my doctor I cried. She told me how sorry she was and that she had wanted this for us so badly and that when she had gotten my results she had been so shocked she made them re-run the test again thinking it had to be a mistake.  But it came back the same. Again. She was one of our biggest supporters and was so amazing to us through everything. She always knew when to switch from doctor to friend and back again when necessary. When I was frustrated about having to wait months between treatments, she had turned off her doctor voice and was mad and frustrated at it with me. :) And then when I cried on the phone she talked to me like a friend again. I'll forever be grateful for such a wonderful doctor and friend to be with us through everything.

I hung up and put the phone on the table and sobbed. I tried to breathe again so I could call Bryce. But I knew I couldn't hold it together well enough to stay inside. I grabbed my phone and stepped out our back door and called him. He answered and all I could say through my sobs was 'I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry Bryce.' He told me to leave work and he'd meet me at home and assured me he'd make sure he was there by the time I got there. We got off and I went back inside.

All I can remember is not being able to breathe and the tears that kept coming. I had to pull it together though. I kept telling myself I had to just pull it together. We had a doctor at the office, I had coworkers and we had patients sitting in the waiting room facing my computer...full view. I was able to make it from the break room to the restroom so I'd have a mirror and could hopefully calm down enough to get the reddness out of my face.

I got there and lost it again. My baby was dying inside of me and there was nothing I could do. Nothing my doctor could do. Nothing. I had to pull it together. Again. Kleenex and more kleenex....I finally calmed down and grabbed the door handle and headed back to my desk avoiding eye contact.

I got there and Cherilyn and Sylvia both looked at me wxpectantly. I grabbed the mouse at my computer while still standing and tried to think of something to say and couldn't and I just shook my head and started to cry as I realized I'd have to close all my programs, sign into my time clock and remember all my passwords and be able to type and turn off my computer...... It was too much. The tears increased and I couldn't breathe, a word i wont again repeat for you left my lips and I escaped the waiting room onlookers and went outside to cry. Again.

I held onto the gate rail as I took in deep breaths of the cool air and tried to clear my head. I couldn't go home until I calmed down. I wouldn't be able to clock out let alone drive.

Cherilyn came out after me and just hugged me. I know I told her what happened.... I told her I was losing my baby.  But I don't remember what else we talked about. Just that she was there for me when I needed that hug and that comfort. All my coworkers have been like that. So loving and considerate and understanding.

She stayed with me until I was ok enough to go back inside. Sylvia had taken care of closing out all my work and programs and pulling up my timeclock. Bless her.

I had texted my boss somewhere in there too to let her know what had happened and that I couldn't stay. I kept thinking how grateful I was that I had done all my prep work for the next day early that day for some reason so I didn't have to leave it all in Sylvia's lap after leaving so quickly.

I drove home crying.  I called my sisters and my parents. I remember saying cynically how it was Bryce's birthday and how hideous it was that this had to be today. I wanted him to feel his birth was celebrated, not have to mourn the loss of ours.  So I made most of those calls on the way home-- I wanted to get it over with and I didn't want to make Bryce listen to it over and over and I knew I'd just want to be with him once I got home.



After that......I'm not even sure... I don't remember a lot of it. I don't remember arriving home. I just remember crawling into bed and us crying together and telling him how sorry I was that I couldn't give him babies. He wouldn't let me even finish the thought.  I know it's not my fault but it's easy to feel like it is.

We made the decision to pull ourselves together and go out for his birthday. We went to his favorite store and our favorite place to eat. I won't lie, it was hard to have fun but we did it anyway. It was his birthday and I wanted him to still have something good in his day.  I'm glad we went. It was a bad day and so hard but we made what we could of it good.



I stayed home from work the rest of that week and blogged about it and sewed a baby quilt because I wanted to and it felt good to do. It turned out to be completely adorable and I don't know what I'll do with it but I'm happy I did it. And I'm going to keep making blankets.....maybe one day I'll decide why. Maybe I'll donate them to hospitals. Maybe I'll just put them away for one day. Maybe I'll give them away. I don't know. But I'm letting it be part of my therapy.


They had me go back in one more time the following Monday to make sure my level had gone down to zero. It was a long drive for them to tell me what I already knew. But I did it.

As I was walking out of the office with a bandaid on my arm, I passed the other hopefuls in the waiting room and grabbed the handle of the front door. The tears came again. Thinking about this being The Final time I would ever be in this place as a patient. That I was no longer one of the waiting room hopefuls. As hard as that life is, it's harder being on the other side without a child in my arms. 

I don't know why we are called to pass through the specific trials that we each are confronted with. Except that we've been promised that they will all be for our profit and learning and for our good. In the process we come to learn who we truly are at our core. We come to know ourselves in a way we never could have had we had the 'easy life' (which nobody has anyway!) 

We have to find the joy and the goodness during the journey. 

I'm currently outside on my lunch break, enjoying the perfectly perfect weather, admiring the trees and feeling the warmth of the sun. :) it's so peaceful. The Lord will take care of me. He'll take care of our little family. 

All will be well.