Faith when it doesn't feel like Faith

One of my girlfriends sent me a sweet sweet message last week. It got us on the topic of faith and having faith during trials.  It was tender experience for me and one I've thought about much since.

While I was living in Utah, we really struggled financially. Our jobs didn't pay a whole lot so we budgeted like crazy. We were super strict on what we spent and where so that we'd be able to cover all our necessities.  We had been trying to have a baby for almost two years and as terrified as I was of doctors, we wanted so badly to seek medical help. But we hadn't been able to find a way to afford it.  I had been to the doctor earlier that year and had been told that everything looked 'fine' (labs included). So we knew we'd need to go to a fertility clinic next. 

We were stuck between a rock and a hard place. And that place, where you can't make any progress, is sometimes the most difficult place to be.  That was more difficult for me than doing shots and medications and appointments a year and half later. 

Every morning I'd get up for work alone, because Bryce would either already be at work or trying to get last few minutes of precious sleep before heading to work again. He had such hard hours then.

I started listening to conference talks in the mornings while I got ready. My heart ached for what I couldn't have and I felt stuck and had no idea what to do. 

I eventually was lead to listen to Elder Henry B Eyring's talk from the October 2010 General Conference, "Trust in God, then Go and Do".  After listening to it once I just kept thinking about some of his words and the Spirit that radiated from his voice when he spoke. So the next day I played it again. And again the next day. ..... I have no idea how many times I ended up listening to that talk. But his words sank deep into my heart and have stayed there ever since. I can say many of his words along with him when I listen to it now. 

I came away from studying this talk with so much more than I had anticipated. His testimony alone is powerful. The obvious emotion in his voice when he talks about Joseph Smith trusting in the Lord to answer his prayer and then when he relates the story of Jesus Christ inviting Peter to walk with him on the water......It's beautiful.

But more than just listening to the talk and enjoying the peace it brought, I felt he was teaching me what I needed to know at that time. He taught me, by relating his own experiences, that when we are given a commandment (from the scriptures or from a prophet or apostle etc), even if we can't see how we can possibly do what we are being asked to do, that the Lord will provide a way to do what He asks of us. 

He spoke of simple experiences he has had in trusting the Lord and going and doing the things he was asked to do. And he talked of them as miracles. Not just coincidences or blessings that he deserved to get. But miracles and peace and security. 

It taught me about really getting on my knees to say my prayers and asking the Lord, trusting in the Lord, that he would would guide us and give us the means to do what He had asked us to do.  

This brings me back to last week with my message from my friend. :) We talked about having faith during trials.   I learned that for me, thinking of it as Trusting in God, felt more tangible and understandable than having faith in God.  

In the midst of difficulties we face in life, or the worst trial you've ever or will ever face in life, it can be easy to feel like you don't have faith. Or that you have lost that trust you once had.  Lots of times you don't feel the presence of the Spirit as often as you did before and that fact can convince us that we're doing it all wrong.  

But I think that just because those trials feel hard, does Not mean that you aren't being faithful. I think often it's just the things we do during that time that represent our faith. Even if we don't feel like it.....if we keep doing those things that we're asked to do--going to church and reading our scriptures and saying our prayers. Even when it feels like the prayers hit the ceiling and bounce right back at you or when you go to church and cry the whole time and can't remember what the talks were even about. Or when you read the scriptures and aren't having those big 'ah-ha!' moments you used to have.  If you just keep doing all those things. Plug along and push through, you are showing more faith than you know.  And eventually, you will feel your faith and your trust in God grow. 

I honestly don't always feel like I'm being faithful. Even when people around me say I am. It's so very hard to feel it sometimes. But if I make sure to always keeps doing those things that God had commanded we do, the feelings of strength, peace and security will eventually follow.  Not all at once maybe and not always quickly. 

But they will come.