Because of this trial

I've been thinking about what I wanted to document next for the last week. Things have been very busy as we've tried to enter back into life again. And as I've thought over it, I just cannot figure out what I'm going to say. I know I want to write and I want to document but there are so many things I want to talk about but I just don't feel pushed toward anything in particular so I guess I'll just.... say some... stuff, that's been on my mind.

I was talking with my brother on the phone the other day as I walked through Joann's looking for fabric for my next project. This was the first real chance we had had to talk since the miscarriage so it was brought up and we talked about it. He asked how we were doing and I told him that as difficult as it is, I wouldn't change it.

I don't know all the reasons the Lord had us do IVF and all the subsequent treatment and hospital stays but I know it was what we were supposed to do. I don't know all the reasons why He would have us do that instead of just saying, "Forget the fertility stuff, Adoption is your route to parenthood". We could have saved a lot of money and trouble and pain that way.

But, I think the Lord knew my heart and Bryce's heart well enough to know that we would need to know for ourselves that we had done everything we could possibly do to bring a child into this world and into our family. And that not until we had that assurance, would we be ready in the deepest parts of our hearts to put everything we have into adopting our children. (This is our experience alone. I don't believe this is the right path for everyone. We all have different needs and desires that need to be fulfilled and different trials to endure in our own path. What I am sharing is just what we are feeling are the reasons for our own.)

Bryce and I have wanted to adopt since we were dating. It's always been in our plan. We had a game we'd play on the phone when we were dating long distance. It was just the question game. We'd take turns asking the other a question. You had to answer the question before you could ask one. Nothing fancy but just a good way to get to know each other better and make up for not being able to be around each other since we were states away.

We started playing it before we were even dating. In fact, Bryce will tell you all about how I was trying to convince him to not date a certain girl because he needed to focus on going on a mission and not be distracted by girls. He'll tell you I was keeping him for myself. But in all honesty, we were just friends then! :) It was a whole Two Weeks before I realized my feelings were deeper than I had expected. Ha.

Anyway, we'd ask each other all kinds of questions. Ranging from things that drive us crazy, to ultimate dreams to adoption. I don't know who asked.....I think it was me. The question was, when you get married, if you and your spouse weren't able to have children, what would you do?

It was a question we talked about, never dreaming it would actually be our future.

We both had the same feelings on the subject. We loved the idea of adoption. Even if we had some of our own children- that adoption is a beautiful wonderful thing and would be a huge blessing to have either way.

The Lord prepares us for the experiences we need to grow to become more like Him. Tonight at Women's Conference President Eyring reminded me that the trials we are asked to endure are tailored to us specifically for our benefit and growth. I know this so deeply in my heart.

There have been moments throughout my marriage and throughout our infertility journey that the Lord has given me to remind me that, although our specific prayers were not yet being answered, He was in our life and He was blessing and growing our marriage. And that those blessings were there because of infertility.

It is because of this trial that Bryce will play with my hair until I fall asleep when things are really bad. It is because of this trial that I know deeply that Bryce will make an amazing father. It is because of this trial that Bryce is able to be in Helicopter school and will eventually have his dream job that he most likely wouldn't have had the opportunity to get had we gotten pregnant five+ years ago. It is because of this trial that we call our landlords mom and dad. It is because of this trial that we've made friends with people in other states and countries going through similar difficulties. It is because of this trial that in our marriage we take care of each other better and treat each other with more consideration and respect and love.

I imagine our marriage would still be great if we had been able to conceive and bare children right away. I imagine that we would have been gaining these kids of blessings as a result of parental strain or other trials that hit.

But this is the life we're living and these are the things we've gained because of this trial.