{FET Cycle: Before I continue…}

As much as I blog for my own journaling purposes, I know there are a few people who actually read it. So before I keep going, here’s a synopsis of what’s happened during the last month.

We had the embryo transfer and it went wonderfully. 9 days after the transfer, I went in for a pregnancy test and we received wonderful news that we were, indeed, pregnant! It was an amazing time for us and such an awesome experience to feel so blessed and excited to finally have a chance at parenthood.

But Heavenly Father has other plans for us. At 5 ½ weeks I woke up on a Saturday with feeling cramps and I started to bleed. I talked with my doctor and I was put on bed rest for a couple days hoping to calm things down. It seemed to help a little but then Monday came and everything got worse.  My doctor had me come in for an emergency ultrasound and lab work. Although Bryce and I knew already that we were miscarrying, we waited for the official results the following day and it was confirmed.

We miscarried. It’s been the hardest thing we’ve ever experienced. But we’ve felt an incredible amount of peace and hope.  Heavenly Father has a way of helping us understand enough so that we can handle what we go through. Even though we don’t have many answers to the questions that come when something like this happens, we have enough understanding of the Plan of Salvation and our purposes here in this mortal journey to know that this was in the plan from the beginning and it’s just another bump in the road that we will overcome and that it will be for our good. Heavenly Father has bigger plans for us.

I’m so grateful for the Atonement.  I’ve experienced it’s healing power and feel so much gratitude for my Savior. He knows what we are going through and He knows exactly how painful physically and emotionally it is for us and he knows how to succor us in that pain. We’ve been given so many amazing people in our lives that have supported and loved us and cried with us in our grief.

 (Below: The pink is from my awesome siblings and the yellow is from the sweet people I work with)

One sister and one close friend called me after finding out about our miscarriage and cried as they told me how sorry they were but then apologized for crying to me. Let me tell you, I appreciated SO much having friends and family members care so much about us that they would cry with us. It helped carry our burden and helped us heal so much faster. The hole in our heart that had gaped so wide with the miscarriage was truly filled by the empathy, love and kindness of so many.

I’m starting to understand a little bit about how one can be grateful for their trials. I have a planner/calendar that I keep with me all the time. It’s jam packed with notes and lists and to-do’s and reminders on sticky notes. Some pages are stacked with them. One page in particular has a few sticky notes that I’ll never remove. One is the list of doctors I tried to get in to see when we first decided to get serious about finding out what was wrong.

The next note has a list of questions I was praying about after we found out we would have to do IVF in order to get pregnant. One was to give my heart the courage to go through with IVF…. Another was, how would we afford for me to stay home with a baby? One was a most desperate plea in my heart concerning my desire for twins -----yet I’d been told very specifically that becoming pregnant with multiples was a very bad idea and would be avoided as much as possible. I cannot explain to anyone else how much of a blow that was to me--and to Bryce, actually.  I can’t explain why I would want the extra work or the extra financial burden that twins would bring or any of the other difficulties….but that desire had been strong in my heart and so at that time, I had a constant prayer in my heart about how I could give that up and feel peace and healing.

Another sticky has all my goals for pregnancy—how healthy I want to be and reminders to stay calm and “think Zen” and not worry.

And then the quote,

“You were given this life because you were strong enough to live it.”