Waiting with Gratitude

The level of gratitude with which I endure the waiting over years is a roller coaster. At times I'm doing awesome and feel really grateful for everything I already have--I'm on a high and going higher and feeling closer to Christ. Other times, I'm facing the ground, falling head first, as I forget everything I've been blessed with and focus only on what I'm lacking...on what I continue, year after year, to wait for.

This was the case with fertility treatments and the adoption process is no different. Highs and lows.

We really got going with the adoption process three months ago and our profile went live one month ago. I was on a high doing all the paperwork and getting things done. And then our home study went really well but I got caught up in the frustration of having to 'prove' myself as a competent person to be able to take care of children.....when, in reality, if I was fertile, no one would ever question my ability to take care of my biological children. I disregarded the fact that we had accomplished so much and that we were approved and we were GOOD!!! Instead, I let myself focus on the unfairness of it all. Bryce always reminds me life was never meant to be fair.

I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and started feeling better when I looked for the blessings I'd already received. We got our profile done and that was another high. :)

Since then we've been contacted by several birth mothers. It's been an eye-opening, interesting and sometimes difficult experience. But overall, just really cool. I've loved talking with these women that have such a huge decision to make and are trying so hard to do the right thing. They've each taught me a lot already.

Each time we're contacted is an exciting time. We went into adoption fully aware that before we have the blessing and opportunity to bring our little one home, we would be contacted and not chosen and that we would also be contacted by fake/scam birth moms. It happens. We accepted that as likelihood before we started. Which is good because we've already experienced both already. And that's ok! 

I just keep remembering....or reminding myself that each one that doesn't work out, doesn't work out because it's not the right baby for us. So how could I want it any other way?

But remembering that doesn't always make the waiting any easier.

So driving to work today I made a commitment to myself to focus more intently on what I'm grateful for now. On what God has provided. What God has orchestrated. What God does for me every day. How much God loves and watches over us....over me.

So here I go, I'm back to facing heaven in my personal roller coaster.