List of Spiritual Helps for Infertility

Whenever I find a scripture or quote I like that feels related to trials or specifically infertility -- while on the run and don't have my journal with me -- I type it into the notes app on my phone ... I thought I'd share that list. :)
(the starred ones are either my own thoughts or quotes I don't have references for. Again, this certainly isn't a list of everything I've found, just the ones I jotted down on the run! :)

I call it:
INFERTILITY SOLACE:

"For I, The Lord, hath put forth my hand to exert the powers of heaven; ye cannot see it now, yet a little while and ye shall see it., and know that I am, and that I will come and reign with my people. I am alpha and omega, the beginning and the end. Amen." -Doctrine & Covenants 84: 119-120

"Angels speak by the power of the holy ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ. Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ, for behold the words of Christ shall tell you all things which ye should do." -2nd Nephi 32:3

"...for just as surely as this director did bring our fathers, by following its course, to the promised land, shall the words of Christ, if we follow their course, carry us beyond this vale of sorrow into a far better land of promise." -Alma 37:45

"...he hath given a law unto all things, by which they move in their times and in their seasons; and the courses are fixed, even the courses of the heavens and the earth...and they give light to each other in their times and in their seasons, in the minutes, in their hours, in their days, in their weeks, in their months, in their years..." - Doctrine & Covenants 88:42-44

*Your dreams of children and of motherhood may be a beautiful heartbreak now but one day it will be a beautiful reality. 

*The Lord will fulfill His promises.

*While I wait and pray, I am a mother when I do sealings in the Temple.

*With hope, we can have patience and strength to bear our burdens.

*No matter how bleak our lives look today, because of the atonement of Jesus Christ we can be assured that the future is written with more possibility and blessings than we could ever expect. 

*Despite life's challenges we can be filled with hope. 

*True faith requires work. 

*A ship in port is safe. But that is not what ships are built for.

*We can gratefully accept that we are God's handiwork even though we are still a work in progress.

Keeping the Sweet Memories

All these sweet beautiful moments when we shared the news with our family and friends are now just distant memories and seem so long ago. I'm trying not to be bitter. I'm trying not to let those wonderful moments become tainted by the heartache that came so soon after.

Miscarriages are sad. I have too many friends struggling with the same heartaches or similar ones. It can be so hard to understand the why's of something so utterly devastating and heartbreaking. 

But like our first miscarriage, we still have lots of beautiful memories and moments that preceded. We experienced heaven for a while and I thank my Heavenly Father for the opportunity we had to house a little one for a short while. To love it with all our hearts and give it every possible chance. 

When we told my family that we were pregnant, we sent one of these pics to their phone and called them within seconds so they would answer and then receive the pic once we had them on the phone. 

 Those are our boots. :) The baby boots in the middle I bought as soon as we found out we were pregnant. I figured they were the closest I would come to gender neutral, for boots at least.

(Notice: that's the Hope Quilt I made that the boots are sitting on. :)

It was so fun hearing each person scream and yell and cry. It was awesome. My face hurt from smiling.  Everyone has been so supportive of us. We've been completely surrounded by support.

It was always important to us to maintain some kind of normalcy (if it's possible) to our situation. Everyone knew we were doing IVF and when waiting on test results. There's no good way to hide that fact. As it is, I still had to lie through my teeth several times to give us some time to just know for ourselves. So it was important that we be able to have those moments when we announced the results. We wanted it to be special even though everyone knew results were coming.

For Bryce's family, we were able to tell them in person since we live so close. So I bought these cute little St. Patrick's day onesies. One for a boy and one for a girl. Bryce's birthday is on St. Patrick's day and we were going to have a birthday party for him at their house on Sunday. So I wrapped them up as a present for him to open in front of them. I bought them to fit a 5 month old because I would have been due in November so next St. Patrick's day our little one would be right around 5 months. 

So he opened them and showed them off and Briley still looked unsure so I just yelled "We're pregnant!" and she freaked. :) it was so fun. We got hugs and Briley asked if it was a boy or a girl so I had to explain that it would be a while. We called Grammy, Bria and Brock after to tell them the same way we told my family. Bria was the funnest (I'll admit) from his family. She screamed and yelled and told me how she was going to make so many adorable onesies for us. All about how awesome their aunt would be. hahahahaha! Love her.

At work, to tell the girls, I just stuck this on the back of my chair, rolled down the hall to where they all were and swiveled around. It was hilarious. I love them all so much. They've been so extremely supportive and loving to me through all of this. I've been so blessed to not only have wonderful family and friends but coworkers too that have been better to me than I deserve.

 Cheeser, right?

And If Not....

Yesterday went really well. I was proud of myself for handling it so well. Until evening. We got home  and I could feel it coming on. I was numb.....but mad at the same time. Mad at what? I have no idea. There wasn't one specific thing I was mad about.  I know all the things my brain will be mad about at one point or another but at that moment.....the feeling was just there.
I got in bed and by the time Bryce came in I was about to burst. He held me and asked me what was on my mind and the dam burst. I sobbed uncontrollably. I kept having to sit up to try to catch my breath.
I tried to tell him between sobs that, now that it's started, it just won't stop. Make it stop! I was ok all day! Make it stop!

It was awful. Not a moment I want to go back to.

I hate night time. I hate the darkness. It's like it pushes all your thoughts together and forces your brain to try to compute them all at once. I've never liked going to bed. The morning is my favorite. The soft sun coming in through the curtains warming up the room. You can't beat that. Especially after a crappy night.

This miscarriage is so different from our first one. In some ways it's easier because I was kind of expecting it......but yet not. We were soooo hopeful. I just thought there was no possible way it wouldn't work. It was the plan. It was our last embryo. It was our last chance. It was our one last hope of a biological child. Surely.......surely we'd see a miracle.

(I found the pic below on Pinterest and thought it was adorable and hilarious. If you're at all unfamiliar with the process---- we underwent a Frozen Embryo Transfer. Our little one had been cryo-preserved for the last year and 3 months. It's a way to freeze embryos safely at sub-zero temps without the formation of ice.  So the ultrasound pic is of an embryo placed back inside mom's uterus after being frozen. :)

Once the transfer was done and my baby was back safe again in my tummy I remember telling the Lord that the doctors have done everything they can. I've done everything I can. Now it's in your hands, Lord. It's in your hands. Please just give us this miracle. Please. There's nothing more we can do. It's out of our hands and in yours. This is your miracle. This is all you. I know it's up to you. I know you are in control and will create this miracle for us. It doesn't even matter all the stuff we've done. If you want it to be, it will be. 


And if not........Just get us through and help us gain understanding. I know that won't all come at once but help it come.

Cautiously Optimistic

So the day we got the results had been difficult throughout the day. The voicemail came on my phone around 2:30pm with the results and I just had to stare at my phone for three hours know that all my answers were right there in my hand if I just clicked on the dang icon. But I knew if it was bad, I HAD to have Bryce with me and if it was good, I had to have him know at the same time.
I had not been feeling well most of the day and being so scared and nervous that ... by the time I got home I had completely convinced myself that it was negative. I don't think I full realized how convinced I was, that is, until we pressed play and she said "you're pregnant".

Bryce had to tell me about 10 times that we were as I shook my head disbelieving. I just..... couldn't believe it was happening. Yes, I had had faith and tried so hard to trust God and believe that it was possible. But I had, apparently, completely convinced myself that I couldn't be pregnant.

But I do have to give myself some credit.

I know the numbers. I know a little too much.

They want your HCG level to be about 100-150 by that time. (Mind you, the first time I got pregnant, I was already at 260something and they climbed higher and higher every time) So when she said that my level was only 48.7, all I could think about was that it was only half the amount it should be and only a 1/5 of what it was when I got pregnant the first time.

Was I miscarrying already? Had my numbers shot up and were already declining?? Was my body not doing what it's supposed to do? What's wrong?? What's happening???

So after some talking it through and some convincing, he got me to smile and give him a hug. All the while, Bryce grinned ear to ear and called me his baby mama. (a term he used for me religiously after that).

We went out and grabbed some food and brought a blanket with us and went to the park to have a picnic together. It was nice and we talked about being pregnant and our hopes and everything.


It was a long weekend though. We didn't want to tell anyone yet-especially since the numbers were low and we were re-testing on Monday. So I started falling asleep with my hand on my tummy and waking up doing the same.

We retested again on Monday and again, I was a wreck all day. Results came.... got home and together we looked at the number. 95.8.

It should have doubled within the 72 hours. It almost did. Just a couple digits off so I felt.......relieved but still terrified. The numbers were just. so. low.

But they said to keep doing what I was doing and don't miss a dose! You're pregnant and your numbers are going up. Yes, we wish they were higher but they're going up. We're cautiously optimistic. 

That's a hideous phrase now and I hate it. Totally dumb. (no offense to my dr.'s office or their staff) I'm just ..... everything. I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm angry and disappointed and just......... disappointed.

Anyway, we were still pregnant. So we got more and more excited (despite the pains and the worry). I took my vitamins and my pills every morning and my pills every night. I did my suppositories twice a day and my patch every three days. Tried to drink a good amount of water. I was exhausted by the end of my work day. Every day. Twice I went home around 3 because I couldn't keep sitting up. I was getting out of breath and just exhausted.

So many things that could be attributed to pregnancy but also could just as easily be a bad sign.

But we hoped and prayed

so
hard.

A couple times I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep so I'd snuggle on the couch with the lamp on to read my scriptures and cry and plead again and again. Always adding that yes, I trust your will. I know you have a plan for us and that all will be well in time no matter what. But if this can be part of our plan....please let me do everything I can to be blessed with this miracle.

Please....

Going Through It

The day of our first Beta (pregnancy test) came.

I was feeling crappy, let's be honest. They say it's normal to feel 'twinges' because of all that's going on inside of you. Especially with all the meds. Two of the medications I was on were to help thicken the lining to give baby a nice cushion to snuggle into in my ute. :) So I'm sure that was a lot of it. But it made me nervous. My low back was hurting as well so overall I was just struggling.

I went in for my lab draw that morning before work. Tiecha was there. She's one of my favorite nurses. She's been with us since day one (August 2012) at this clinic. She was the one holding me hand and rubbing my arm during my Hysterosalpingogram and was there for most of my ultrasounds and lab draws and helped me though the Ovarian Hyperstimulation. She was the one who gave me her cell phone number and answered all my crazy questions on the weekends and at night when I was freaking out.

I got there and she hugged me. Love her. While she was drawing my blood, we chatted for a bit and she asked how I'd been feeling and everything. She told me how she's been praying every day for us and how she doesn't normally get emotionally involved with pt's lives but as soon as she saw how much Bryce loved me at our first appointment (when we found out how extremely difficult this would become) that she just couldn't help it. She said the way he looked at me and held my hand and smiled through all of it....she just knew he was amazing to me.

Oh how right she was!!! That day in particular.... after the HSG (which was so painful), they had sat me up and I looked through the pictures of my half-formed uterus and missing fallopian tube. After they left, I got up to get dressed and every inch of my body was shaking. It was difficult to get dressed. I wasn't holding it together very well. I had to keep taking huge deep breaths to get through it. But once Tiecha came and got me and lead me to the room where Bryce was..... oh my goodness. It was like I could breathe again.

He grabbed my hand and held it between his so tight the entire time as Dr. Noorhasan talked to us about those results and about avoiding Selective Reduction and about our percentages of success for every kind of treatment and about not being able to have twins and about how I only had one fallopian tube and how I needed a test to see if I had both kidneys and on and on.....

Tiecha was right. I've got this guy married to me that treats me like a queen. He's all rough and tough and strong and manly.....but on the inside (don't tell anyone) he's mush. He has the most tender heart and he does everything he can to help me be happy and have what I need.


I told him last night as we were lying in bed mourning our loss, "At least I have you love. You know, if I have to go through Hell, you're the one I would want to go through it with."

Maybe not the most romantic way to say it but.... still the truth.

A Deal with God

One night before getting our first pregnancy results, while praying by my bed, I began my desperate pleas to my Father in Heaven.  I was sobbing uncontrollably and could barely breathe. I can't count how many times I uttered "please please please please..." That's all that would come out between my actual sentences. I was so terrified and mourning so deeply for those little ones I'd already lost that I even negotiated with God.

I'd never done that before. I remember a friend telling me when we were young that she told God that if they could have a snow day the next day she would finish reading the Book of Mormon that day. ..... They got the snow day and she had to read a pretty huge chunk to keep her end of the bargain she had made. I remember thinking that probably wasn't the smartest thing to do-- make a deal with God on her own terms. 

But there I was, almost drowning in the self pity and heartache, telling God that I would read my scriptures Every Single Day I was pregnant. Please just let me get pregnant and carry my baby long enough that I can bring  spirit into our home to raise and love and care for....

At the time I knew I had made a promise and that even if He couldn't give me the terms of my promise that I would keep my end. I'm supposed to be reading every day any way for Heaven's sake! But I wanted to make some kind of promise to Him. I wanted Him to know I wanted this. So bad. 

So I did it. Every single day. Yes, it was short. Only a few weeks. But I did it. I kept my end of the bargain. And you know, I'll keep reading. Every Single Day. Even though I'm no longer pregnant. 

This morning I turned to Bryce and said "It'll be ok, right? Everything will be ok." 

I stayed home from work. I couldn't bare the thought of my routine yet. Not yet. Bryce stayed in bed til late with me and we went to the store and bought Frozen for me to watch today and grabbed some food. 

That's the other thing. I've fallen off the kitchen wagon. Cooking is just SO not interesting to me right now.  Maybe one day I'll get back in there. Maybe tomorrow. 

Infinitely More

I wish there was a set protocol for how I'm supposed to write this post. Or how I'm supposed to handle this. But there isn't. It's just me.

I could write chronologically. I could just tell you what happened yesterday or I could not blog at all......

But it's 5am and I can't sleep. Wide awake and it's not changing.

I've been thinking about my blog a lot over the last couple weeks. Only a couple of people normally comment. Which is fine. It's mostly for my journaling purposes anyway. But during the last couple of weeks I've had so many people tell me they're waiting for me to re-post with an update or that they've been praying so hard for us. And many of them (of you!) I had no idea they were even aware of our journey and that we were waiting for pregnancy results.

So if you are here, reading about my life....can you leave a comment? I don't care about being a popular blog or how many people are reading. I just want to know who is reading....who is being a part of our lives.  It would help my heart.

You can even leave a comment like I do on my sister's blog, "Cherise was here..." so she knows I read it. I am a horrible commenter, I admit. I never know what to say! So just at least let me know you're there? xoxo



Where do I start? .... seriously.

This has been on my mind.

I am limited. I am afflicted. But grateful to know it isn't what defines me.

I'm numb at the moment.

What you're reading here is just me.   No pretense.    It's in the very center of one of the worst weeks of my life.   The precipice of the rest of my life that is going in a direction I hadn't planned on heading quite yet.


I have a Unicornuate Uterus. Glad you could know that about me, hey?

Well I do and now you know. I was born with half a uterus. I didn't know until I was 26....until we had been trying to conceive for 4 years already. Until we had already been to three doctors.  So yes, half a uterus. I'm being literal. Half the size, half the volume. It limited our fertility treatment options because so many treatments have high percentages of becoming pregnant with multiples and we are strictly limited by space. If I were to get pregnant, it needed to be with only one. Which is what brought us to IVF.

I wouldn't change any of it. We approached the decision with more prayer and thought than you can imagine. We didn't even want to do fertility treatments in the first place, let alone In Vitro Fertilization.

But it was a clear-as-day answer and there was no denying it was the Lord's plan for our life and what we needed to do next ..... and do right away.

We thought though, that because it was The Plan that it would provide the results we were looking for.  We ultimately had three chances to conceive with IVF. I conceived the first time, miscarried. The second time was unsuccessful.

So that brings us to right now. To me sitting in bed in the wee hours of the morning unable to sleep, wondering how I can keep going to work, how I can keep making my lunch every morning, how I will shower each day... without breaking down or giving myself a migraine holding it all in.

I'm grateful to know that adoption is Always been in our plans and has an extremely special place in both of our hearts. The Lord has been preparing us for a long time.

But there is grief to be felt and dealt with. There is anger and sadness and disappointment to get through before this chapter of our lives is left behind.



(Two weeks ago) The night before my first (of three) pregnancy tests at my doctor's office, Bryce and I were driving home from .... somewhere. I can't even recall where. But I had my seat all the way down trying to relax or sleep even, while Bryce drove home in the darkness.
I was overwhelmed and nervous and anxious and scared and hopeful. And scared to be hopeful. I sent a text to my sister Jennifer:

"If I don't get preg, how can I not be angry?"

That question had been weighing on my mind. I am not an angry person. I don't hold grudges and avoid contention like the devil. But this was something we were told to do. IVF was meant for us. We were meant for IVF. It's the plan.  There was no doubt about it. And yet, I had this sickening feeling that this time...my body just wasn't feeling right and my mind wouldn't calm down.

Bless her endlessly, she texted immediately:
Impossible
I know I will be. I'm going to punch something. .... or maybe break all my dishes..... and then spend as much as I want buying new ones.
That's fine
I would too.
Gotta feel whatever you feel!
OK
With NO guilt
Just let it aaaaallll out. You have to give yourself permission.
I'll feel the guilt, I know I will.
Well I'm telling you that you can be angry and as upset as you need to be.
OK
The important part is to just not STAY angry. You know?
Yeah....feel it and then let it go
...'Turn away and slam the door' ?.....lol
Yes! lol
:) But I AM going to be preg so.....
YES!
So it was a plan. If I didn't get pregnant. I would let myself be angry, throw all my dishes, one by one and break all of them. And then let it go.
But I was going to get pregnant. I hoped so anyway.

I didn't get the chance to break all my dishes, as therapeutic as that would be. Because I, indeed, was pregnant.

{Frozen Embryo Transfer #3: Anticipating Results}

This is what I'm working on at the moment:

I have a lot to blog about but much of it has to wait another day or two.

But I wanted to document one of the mind games I'm dealing with--

The day I got home to listen to our first Pregnancy results after our first Frozen Embryo Transfer, I was sooo excited. I knew it could go either way and wasn't actually even expecting positive results because.... 4 1/2 years of negative was all I'd known. But still, this was the best chance we had Ever been given and we were both just.... Excited! 

I started crying (happy tears!) the second she said "congratulations!....". We were smiling so big and tears and more tears and hugging and it was fabulous. Heaven on earth to be sure. 

Then came results after Frozen Embryo Transfer #2. We were excited. We were hopeful. Because we had gotten pregnant once and knew it could happen again. We sat together and pressed okay on the voicemail. The second she said "I'm sorry sweetie, but the results were negative....." I pushed it away, turned off the camera, deleted the video, and cried. 

That brings us to our current situation. How am I supposed to feel? Well I don't know. I don't know what any woman is supposed to feel so I guess I'm just gonna feel how I feel. 

I'm terrified. Naturally. I got pregnant once but miscarried out of the blue with no indications for the cause. I didn't get pregnant at all the other time. And this time... My body feels physically different than either time before. I have little cramps and feel uncomfortable and tired..... 

It could go either way. But I have so many fears roiling around in my heart. 

This is our last little one. We aren't ever going to do IVF again after this. We've been fasting and praying so hard for this one. I am so attached and yet... I feel more and more like I'm detaching myself from it to save my heart...

But at the same time, I fall asleep with my hand on my tummy and when talking to Bryce I always say "WE're coming!" Or "us" or "me and the baby!" When talking about myself. 

But the thought of a negative pregnancy test...or another miscarriage....it's scary and sad and not something I want to experience. 

This test result will determine the direction of the rest of our life. More so than the other results. This one decides of we'll start our family biologically or if we'll start with adoption. Yes, is possible one day that we'll have a miracle conception. I don't rule that out. But it's not something I'm going to bet on. Once we start the adoption process, they are our ultimate dream and they are what's most important. They will get my heart from that time forward.

So that's what I'm battling in my heart right now. How hopeful can I be without the possibility of being more devastated than I can handle? 

But you know? I know I can't separate myself from this little one. Our hopes and dreams are with this little one right now. Our love isn't diminishing and we are praying harder every day that we can be given this Miracle. It's in the Lord's hands cometely. The Doctors have done what they can do. I've done what I can do. The decision is not mine to make. It's in His all-knowing all-loving hands and He will take care of us and all will be well. 

The Waiting

As with anything, there are goods and bads to the TWW.

I'll start with the "bads" so I can finish with the fun stuff. 

The Bads...or Not-So-Funs:

*It's just a long time! WaaH! 

It's like that phrase, "Hurry up and Wait!" You slowly build up for weeks and climax at the Transfer. 

So exciting!!!!!....... And then...... 

You go home 

and wait. 

And wait....

*You have to tell all the awesome well-wishers and loved ones etc that, 'no, not yet...' Over and over. Don't get me wrong though! We feel Incredibly blessed to have so many people praying for us, rooting for us, fasting for us, crossing their fingers and toes and eyes for us!!! But it is a little disappointing for me each time to have to say, "nope, not yet!" 

*Then.... Oh my goodness... Right now this is what in struggling with: the twinges, the aches, the fatigue....is freaking me out. I haven't felt this way after the two prior transfers. Either one. I am on a different form of progesterone and I'm thinking this is why. But......oh goodness, the anxiety! I'm so hyper aware of my body. Every inch of it. I'm not normally an anxious person but this is throwing me for a loop. Monday and Tuesday my low abdomen wasn't feeling great by the time I got home from work. Just a deep ache. No cramping--other than the 'twinges' that are normal for after a transfer. Just achy. And sooo tired. Got in bed at 8:00pm on Tuesday night. Yeah. 

Then comes Wed and by the time I got back to work after lunch that deep ache was worse and had started already. And over the following three hours it got worse. Not painful, just consistent and annoying and tiring! I knew I needed to be able to lie down. So once I had all my crap done and prepped for the following day I left work, went home and slept for two hours. 

This morning I woke up feeling bad again and was freeeeeaked out. Worrying that it's turning into cramps. I was praying praying praying so hard to God, asking to please keep my baby safe if possible. Everything is just an unknown for now and that is verrrrry frustrating to me. I imagine all the estrogen coursing through my veins is not helping my case any..... 

But I got up after lying awake praying for an hour and a half and got ready for work. I'm halfway through the day and am feeling better. Still feeling stuff going on in there but not as bad as yesterday. So relief is quite strong on my mind at the moment. 

I'm lying down in the passenger seat of my car munching on carrots for baby and resting my body. 

The Goods? 

Oh yes, in enjoying those! 

*My fave during this time is always referring to myself as 'us' or 'me and the baby' or just 'the baby'. 

Bryce has already heard, 

"but the baby neeeds ice cream." 

"Bryce, the baby needs cuddles"

"I'm feeding the baby" (anytime I eat healthy) 

The fabulous part is he cuddles me and let's me have ice cream and laughs at the joy of the idea of our baby. :) 

My coworkers like to say, "Well what does baby want??" (For lunch) 

*Hearing Bryce pray for me and for our baby and that we can keep it safe. 

*Feeling less guilty about buying baby stuff.... Like THIS!:

*and laying in bed at night and putting my hand on my tummy and thinking about our little one and praying that if its His will and if it's possible, that we will be blessed with a dream come true. 

Just a little while longer and we'll know. 💕

Bed Rest and my Angel Visitors

While I was on bed rest a had lots of fun visitors! 

My friend Whitney and baby Kaylee came to visit. Love them so much! I'm so mad that I didn't get a pic! 

Then my friend Kristin brought her boys, Nash and Gray to play! 

We walked around the yard a little and the boys got to pet the horsies. 

I love when they come! We had a lot of fun and the boys are too cute. Kristin it's always awesome to see you! Your preggers belly is adorable! 

Then on Friday night three of my young women came to keep me company! I didn't get a pic with Hailee, 😢.

They were hilarious. They tried on my prom dresses- which are, apparently, Way out of style. (what the heck?! It wasn't That long ago!!) and my wedding dress. 

We ate dinner together and Michelle made us brownies to enjoy with our ice cream. We had girl talk and they made me laugh so hard.....Michelle kept saying they had to stop being funny so i wouldnt laugh too much and hurt the baby. She kept telling me to sit back down and she would do everything for mw. she's adorabke. 

We watched A Walk to Remember and michelle cried her eyes out. 

Love them so much. They've been checking on me every day since. They're the best. 

{IVF/FET Round 3} Yes, ma'am!

That's right. We're starting up again and we're so happy to be pursuing our greatest dream again.

Yes, It's alot.
Alot of meds.
Alot of money.
Alot of reminders.
Alot of appointments.
Alot of needles.
But because of all of those alots, we have so very much hope.

Here's what's been happening to get this going:

First of all, for those who already knew what our original plans were: yes, they changed!
After IVF Round 2, we had decided that if it didn't work that we would save money and take a trip to Madagascar (Our 2nd greatest dream!). We figured since we had been through hell and back several times over the last year (IVF, OHSS, cancelled transfer, Miscarriage and failed FET cycle), we were ready to have an adventure together. So we had said we were going to take that trip in Spring 2014 and then come back and finish up our last 1st greatest adventure by going back for our last frozen 5 day old embryo.

That was our tentative plan. The whole time we both knew we might end up sticking with our 1st greatest adventure and save our 2nd for later. Do Mada another year. But it was really good for us to have something else to focus on for a couple of months and have something to cheer us up.
But November came and I think we both just knew we couldn't truly enjoy our dream trip to Madagascar while our last little one was waiting for us.
So, I emailed the clinic and we talked about dates. We were pretty disappointed. We would be out of town so much with the holidays, it just couldn't work. There are too many imperative appointments I'd be missing to make it work to start in November.
We waited until December, hoping that starting that month would push everything out far enough but then the week I'll be in Utah in January got in the way of an ultrasound appointment. But by this point we were both a little overwhelmed with the holidays anyway and my January trip was already in the works and I didn't want to cancel.

So we waited again. :)

Finally January came and I talked with the clinic again. Everything felt right this time and the dates worked out perfectly around my trips etc so we went for it and prayed hard.
They got me on BC right away, which I'll be on for a few weeks before starting Lupron injections. And I scheduled my sonohysterogram.
We were praying pretty hard. This is our last little embryo and we want to give it the best possible chance so we wanted to be sure that we were in the Lord's timing. As we moved forward, everything felt good so we took that as enough of an answer but I was still hoping for something a least a little more solid.
As I drove to my Sono on Thursday, I exited the highway for the clinic and pulled to a stop at the light. I just got a rush or warmth go through my entire body; the same warmth I get whenever the Holy Ghost is strong. I smiled and knew that God is overseeing our lives and our struggles and that no matter what the results of our efforts that it's in His will and we'll be ok.

-->I really want to interject here and talk about adoption for a moment. We try to make it clear that we are incredibly excited to adopt children. We've always just known that adoption would be part of our story whether we had biological children or not. Either way, it's in our future and we couldn't be more happy in our anticipation of that future. There is something about having the experience of pregnancy and delivering a child that Bryce and I made together and that will/would have our eyes or hair or smile, that is so beautiful, how could we not want that?
But it does not make the children we will one day adopt any less beautiful or wonderful. They'll be just as much a part of us as any biological children will/would. We are all alike unto God and I'll love any children placed in our care equally. How they get here really isn't what makes a parent love a child.
For a while, we really thought we might adopt first and then finish up IVF later. We did research and attended an adoption meeting and prayed. Alot. But as good as adoption feels to us, we both knew that now is not the time.
So we're saving all of that goodness for later. It will happen and we think about it frequently. :) It's a beautiful wonderful thought to think that, even now, our future little ones could be coming to earth to start his/her mortal experiences before joining our family.

In the meantime, we are going to do our best to give our last embryo the best chance we can.

I ended up being extra grateful for that warmth I felt on the way to my appointment. Because once it got started (mind you, I've had one before and thought I knew what to expect), I was in so very much pain during the procedure. It hurt so much more than the first time I had it done and it was much longer--making that pain even more difficult to endure.
I cried through most of it. I held my tears back for the first 5 minutes but after that, I was shaking from the pain and tears running into my hair as I wished that I had asked Bryce to come with me. Since it took longer, I started to worry there was something wrong this time. Did the miscarriage cause a lasting problem? If so, would it require a surgery or more meds?
Dr. N is really great though and talked me through it and apologized that I was in pain like every 60 seconds. Thankfully, she said everything looks great. My lining looks perfect and there is not one thing that would keep her from allowing us to move forward. It took extra long and was more painful because she wanted to be as thorough as possible. She didn't want to miss anything. I breathed a breath of relief and thanked Heavenly Father for it. Extra pain is worth knowing we're doing everything we can to make this possible.
After lots of kleenex, new makeup and deep breaths I was able to meet with Jeanette so she could go over our calendar.

THE calendar. The one we have to abide by strictly for the next 2 months. It always reminds me of our very first IVF cycle Teaching Visit when Tiecha went over our calendar with us and taught us how to do all the different injections. Bryce asked what would happen if we happened to miss an injection or medication dose.
She just looked at him with a downright serious face and said "That will Not happen."
HA!
So yeah, we live by THE calendar. :)

This brings us to today, I guess. Now it's simply day-to-day. :) It feels sooo good though. We're back to pursuing our greatest dream!

Any and all prayers/wishes/hopes are extremely appreciated. xoxo

{IVF/FET: Our first miracle}

A couple months ago we finally got to actually finish our first IVF cycle by doing an FET cycle. April 19th came and they called me and left me a voicemail with our pregnancy results. We were pregnant. It was the happiest sweetest day of our lives. It's a day I will never ever forget. And although we miscarried just a few weeks later, the memory is still just as sweet to both of us. 

We recorded ourselves getting the results. We just set up the camera on my dresser, I sat down and we pressed play on my phone voicemail on speaker phone. 

It's just a 2 minute little movie and it's so tender. I love it. :) I can't wait for another moment like that! Hopefully it won't be too far down the road!

Anyway, I was watching it this evening and took a couple screen shots from the video to share. :)

(Notice the framed quote on the wall behind us. It's from our wedding. It is a Shakespear quote: 

"He is the half part of a blessed man,

Left to be finished by such as she.

And she a fair divided excellence,

whose fullness of perfection

lies in him."

Then notice the baby names book under my scriptures on my night stand. My nose had been stuck in that book the night before. :)

And this is my favorite:

 (Notice the phone is still in mid flight from when Bryce chucked it to hug me. I love his face so much.)

{FET Cycle: TWW and a Piece of Heaven}

 There’s a term in the infertility world—Two Week Wait (TWW). 

The first time I got on infertility blogs and online boards, I kept seeing FET, IVF, TWW, FET…..what in the world?? Weird to be so familiar with all of the terms now.

So that’s what happens after the embryo transfer. The Two Week Wait…except that it’s only 9 days for a Frozen transfer. Lol  Since the embryo is already 5 days old when they put it in, that takes up 5 of the 14 days you would normally have to wait. 

So I took off the 3 days of work so I could be as stress free as possible. I did full-on bed rest for two days and then was up and down on the third and fourth days.  My friend Kristin came with her twins (courtesy of IVF! J) on the third day to keep me company and be excited with me. It was so much fun. I loved it!

I ate like a true-healthy person! Lots of veggies and fruits and cut way back on sugar and drank water like a maniac. I was pretty proud!

The day came for the pregnancy test. Holy. Cow. We. Were. Excited! ….

And really nervous. J

It’s just a blood draw, so I drove to the Frisco office on April 19^th. She asked if I had taken at at-home pregnancy test and I told her proudly that I had resisted. We wanted to know for sure. No playing around!

We had a conundrum because they would be calling us with results and I couldn’t stand the thought of getting them without Bryce right there with me. But they had to call between 2 and 4 and we both had to be at work 45 minutes from each other. So after talking with my nurse, she said “OK, when we call you, just don’t answer your phone. Let it go to voicemail and we’ll leave the result as a message and y’all can listen to it together as soon as you can.”

Let me tell you, it was SO HARD not to answer that phone and EVEN HARDER to just see the little icon on my phone for 3 hours and not listen to it!

But I knew that if it was negative, I couldn’t handle that news without Bryce next to me and if it was positive, we’d both die that we weren’t together…..so I resisted. J

(Bryce told me later that he thought, I would for sure give in to excitement and listen to it. I Sure Showed Him!!!)

I got home and we just looked at each other….. tension!!

I changed my clothes and Bryce set up our camera to film us listening to it. We figured if it turned out to be negative, we’d automatically delete the video but if it was positive….priceless!

The second before Bryce was gonna press record so we could listen, the fear got the best of me, “I can’t! I can’t listen to it Bryce!”….stopping my foot…. I’m real mature when I’m scared.

He’s a good man and convinced me…ordered me to just sit down and we’d press play and find out. So we did.

We held hands as we sat on the end of our bed huddled over my iPhone and pressed play on the voicemail. (We didn’t know if it would be the doctor or which nurse it would be..)

The voice that came over was one of our favorite nurses, that had been with us from day 1, Amber.

“Hi Cherise and Bryce, It’s Amber. I am so proud and lucky to be able to be the one to call and give you your pregnancy results. I hope y’all are ready for this.

Congratulations! You’re definitely pregnant! Your numbers look fantastic! We hope for this number to be about 100 and yours is 246.9! Fantastic! I’m so excited for you guys, oh my gosh! Keep on your medications just the same and we’ll repeat this next Friday. So give us a call on Monday and we’ll get you scheduled and message me on Facebook or something! I’m so excited for y’all!! Congratulations!!!! Have a fabulous weekend!”

I started sobbing as soon as she said congratulations. Bryce was teary and smiling like a little kid. I wrapped my arms around his neck and cried. After we turned off the camera, we just kept looking at eachother and shaking our heads in amazement. We were pregnant. It was crazy and awesome and … unreal.

 That’s when we both admitted we had fully expected a negative result. We’ve been getting negative tests for 4 ½ years. It’s really hard to truly expect a positive! Yes, we hoped and hoped it would be positive but….it’s a hard thing to imagine. J

We went out to eat with friends that night just as a date but really, we were celebrating in our hearts. We stopped at Babies R Us on the way home and got to walk around wide-eyed and wonderfully overwhelmed with what was ahead.

We had told everyone we would be finding out on the following Monday or Wednesday (to give ourselves time to enjoy the news together and let it sink in). We’d waited over four years for the news and we wanted the option. But by the following day we felt ready. We started calling my parents and siblings (we told Bryce’s family in person the next day). We tried to get them on skype of iChat or Facetime if possible.  It was the such an awesome couple of days telling everyone. We had a couple different ways that we told them.  They all cried and laughed and screamed with us. It was seriously awesome. When we told Bryce’s family, we did it by Bryce saying in the dinner prayer, “….and we’re grateful for modern medicine and that Cherise is pregnant…” Bahaha! It was awesome!

Over the next few days, I downloaded 7 different pregnancy apps on my phone…. Yes, 7, and proud of it! I continued to eat healthy and drink a ton of water. No heavy lifting or exercise etc. We just were happy and excited and grateful. We prayed for our little one every night and Bryce always prayed that we could keep my body healthy and strong and that we could keep our baby safe. I love when Bryce prays. It makes me love him more and more every time. He’ll be an amazing father!

I was even excited to feel like crap eventually....

I took a couple at home pregnancy tests after, just for fun. I'd never seen two lines before! That was a huge deal. 

We really did feel like we had a piece of heaven surrounding us. I’ll forever be grateful for the experience of being pregnant. As short-lived as it was….it was a happy time and we just were SO blessed. I cannot say it enough.  The Lord is mindful of His children

{FET Cycle: Before I continue…}

As much as I blog for my own journaling purposes, I know there are a few people who actually read it. So before I keep going, here’s a synopsis of what’s happened during the last month.

We had the embryo transfer and it went wonderfully. 9 days after the transfer, I went in for a pregnancy test and we received wonderful news that we were, indeed, pregnant! It was an amazing time for us and such an awesome experience to feel so blessed and excited to finally have a chance at parenthood.

But Heavenly Father has other plans for us. At 5 ½ weeks I woke up on a Saturday with feeling cramps and I started to bleed. I talked with my doctor and I was put on bed rest for a couple days hoping to calm things down. It seemed to help a little but then Monday came and everything got worse.  My doctor had me come in for an emergency ultrasound and lab work. Although Bryce and I knew already that we were miscarrying, we waited for the official results the following day and it was confirmed.

We miscarried. It’s been the hardest thing we’ve ever experienced. But we’ve felt an incredible amount of peace and hope.  Heavenly Father has a way of helping us understand enough so that we can handle what we go through. Even though we don’t have many answers to the questions that come when something like this happens, we have enough understanding of the Plan of Salvation and our purposes here in this mortal journey to know that this was in the plan from the beginning and it’s just another bump in the road that we will overcome and that it will be for our good. Heavenly Father has bigger plans for us.

I’m so grateful for the Atonement.  I’ve experienced it’s healing power and feel so much gratitude for my Savior. He knows what we are going through and He knows exactly how painful physically and emotionally it is for us and he knows how to succor us in that pain. We’ve been given so many amazing people in our lives that have supported and loved us and cried with us in our grief.

 (Below: The pink is from my awesome siblings and the yellow is from the sweet people I work with)

One sister and one close friend called me after finding out about our miscarriage and cried as they told me how sorry they were but then apologized for crying to me. Let me tell you, I appreciated SO much having friends and family members care so much about us that they would cry with us. It helped carry our burden and helped us heal so much faster. The hole in our heart that had gaped so wide with the miscarriage was truly filled by the empathy, love and kindness of so many.

I’m starting to understand a little bit about how one can be grateful for their trials. I have a planner/calendar that I keep with me all the time. It’s jam packed with notes and lists and to-do’s and reminders on sticky notes. Some pages are stacked with them. One page in particular has a few sticky notes that I’ll never remove. One is the list of doctors I tried to get in to see when we first decided to get serious about finding out what was wrong.

The next note has a list of questions I was praying about after we found out we would have to do IVF in order to get pregnant. One was to give my heart the courage to go through with IVF…. Another was, how would we afford for me to stay home with a baby? One was a most desperate plea in my heart concerning my desire for twins -----yet I’d been told very specifically that becoming pregnant with multiples was a very bad idea and would be avoided as much as possible. I cannot explain to anyone else how much of a blow that was to me--and to Bryce, actually.  I can’t explain why I would want the extra work or the extra financial burden that twins would bring or any of the other difficulties….but that desire had been strong in my heart and so at that time, I had a constant prayer in my heart about how I could give that up and feel peace and healing.

Another sticky has all my goals for pregnancy—how healthy I want to be and reminders to stay calm and “think Zen” and not worry.

And then the quote,

“You were given this life because you were strong enough to live it.”

Progress is such a happy word

Something you might not think about when it comes to dealing with infertility:

It's the feeling you get when you've been trying to have a baby for years and nothing has happened but every time you pass the baby section in the store (or purposefully pass by.....), you feel guilty actually buying anything because you don't have a baby to buy it for and that baby still isn't in your tummy either. But, oh my those clothes are just too cute.....

It's not exactly guilt but weirdness or just feeling out of place. I mean, what if you buy something and the cashier conversationally asks how old your baby is? Do you lie and say it's for a friend or ...what?

Could be awkward. 

Don't get me wrong! I've bought things here and there because honestly, I can't resist sometimes.

I have two lovely dresses, two adorable boy outfits {complete with lifted trucks and helicopters on them}, a diaper bag disguised as a purse, a nursing cover and swaddling/wrap thing.

But that's all I've let myself buy in the last 4 1/2 years. Not bad...considering that the baby section is the only thing I really look at when I go in TJ Maxx...or Target...

SO, in honor of getting the news this week that we're cleared to MOVE FORWARD with the F.E.T. cycle, I picked up this beauty:

And trust me, my nose is in here every night now when I crawl in bed next to my man.

I laugh at most of the names but it's been fun to look!

But the point is, NO GUILT/WEIRDNESS. 

I feel perfectly justified in looking now. It's completely lovely feeling.

We're gonna make a baby!