A Time to Every Purpose under Heaven

We've had friends ask about our future. Everyone has been so kind. We do feel very blessed to have such wonderful people in our life.

But right now is still our time to grieve.

I've talked openly about our intent to adopt in the future. That's not a secret. But we need more time. We only miscarried our baby, our future, last week. So we're not ready to talk about specifics right now. Bryce and I talk about it together and whenever we feel ready or prompted to, we seek out information and others who have walked such paths as we are now considering.

But the times I've (we've) been asked much about specific choices we'll be making in the adoption process, my whole inside and my body wants to place a barrier right between me and the person inquiring (always so kindly!) because .... I'm soooo not ready for it. I didn't even know how un-ready we were for those kinds of conversations until it started happening.

I certainly don't want anyone to feel bad or worry about anything they have or haven't said to me or us in the past. That's not why I am talking about this. But if you do talk with us in the near future, we are not ready for specific questions about our upcoming journey. If we are ready for it, we will bring it up. :)


While I'm on the subject, I wanted to mention something that's been difficult for me. I've seen so many posts by women with lists or things to say or not to say to a couple going through infertility and I've never seen one that included this. Maybe it's because I'm the only one it bothers..... But it hurts my heart so I do want to mention it and explain why it hurts.

Surrogacy. It's a beautiful selfless opportunity for some couples to pursue. It can be So right for someone and I don't argue that one bit.

But when I have been asked about this as an option for us, it's been very difficult. I understand the inquiry and the attempted helpfulness of the suggestion. But, I hope I may offer you my perspective.


It's been a long time coming, but during that time, we've found out that we cannot conceive because of me. My body has issues. Many issues. I know that. I've come to terms with much of it but not all of it yet. As a married couple we are supposed to have children. We are supposed to create our family and that is supposed to happen naturally and wonderfully through my body. But I can't do that. For a long time, we hoped that it would just be difficult to do but now it's most likely that it just won't happen that way.

So, when someone (again, yes, they're just trying to be kind. I do understand that) approaches me with the suggestion that we try surrogacy, this is what it translates (unfortunately) to:
"...so since you're body doesn't work and won't carry your own babies, why don't you let another complete woman take care of that for you."

I know in my head that no one would actually say it to me like that or even mean it in that way. But it doesn't change the fact that my heart still hurts over the fact that I cannot do the same thing as most women can do. Carrying a baby and birthing a baby and being a mother....it's what I've always imagined and planned for. It's all I've ever really wanted to do. Ever since I was little. I wanted to get married and have babies and be a mama.

So having someone tell me that another woman would do a better job at that than me......that's not something my heart can handle. I know for certain couples, surrogacy turns out to be a huge blessing and the perfect solution to provide parenthood. I truly truly don't argue that. But for us, it is not what we are meant to do.

Something that a sister said to me in regards to this subject, meant so much to me and calmed my heart: "Cherise, you and Bryce made those little embryos. They're part of you. The most perfect place for them is back in your tummy. That's where they will be most at home. That is where they belong." I cried and cried hearing the deepest feelings of my heart being verified.


I could easily wonder now, why I would feel that my body was where they belonged when I wasn't able to keep any of them. (Both times I started miscarrying, I remember lying in bed with tears running into my hair and with my hands on my tummy whispering "stay with me, please stay please. don't leave me. stay please please please...")

As soon as I start to wonder as why this happened, if I turn to the Lord with the question, I'm assured that this was the plan. All will be well. You will be a mother. And I'm reminded of the joy and happiness we did get to experience during both of our pregnancies. I would never give those experiences up, as short lived as they were. We will have the opportunity to bring some babies into our home one day and give them the comfort, peace and love that they so very much deserve to have.

But let me say, if I don't turn to the Lord with that question, but let my own little brain try to work it out on my own, I come up with answers that break my heart more and more or convince me I had done something to bring it on myself.  I'm learning more and more how to recognize answers from the Lord versus answers from satan. Satan is just as real as God. He is conniving and sneaky and oh, so subtle. He'll try to drag you down any way he can.

So when those difficult questions or problems arise, you have to be sure to turn to the right source for your answers. If you turk to the Lord in prayers He will guide you as you seek the answers to difficult life questions.  I've been so grateful for the peace that only He can bring to a broken heart.