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Sunday, May 13, 2018

Mother's Day Tears

I had to write tonight.

Lying here in bed I was scrolling through the many many Mother's Day FB posts. They're all so happy and beautiful and grateful. It's such a wonderful day and brings out so much goodness in everybody to remember their mothers!  And yet, I find myself brushing away tears from my cheeks that are falling without my permission.

I honestly don't know when I last cried over all of this. I haven't had a reason to! I've been given this gift of motherhood from a woman who I had never met prior to her decision.  And because of it, since then, my days have been filled with mommying and little hands and feet and smiles and needs. I'm needed. Every day and sometimes every minute (especially of late...separation anxiety is running rampant in my almost 3 year old because of our recent move).

I'm a mom.  A mom. (insert all those heart emojis)

I get it ALL. I get the hands, feet, smiles, needs, cries, kisses, hugs, giggles, tantrums, spills and love. It's more than I ever dreamed it would be. It's better and harder and longer and shorter all at once. The love is so intense and the amazement at every little thing he does and learns is overwhelming.

But I guess tonight ... I don't know. I don't know. My mother heart knows the Lord has more children for me. I don't know yet how they'll come but they will come. Eventually.

As much as I've dealt with the grief of infertility, as much as I've dealt with the realization that my body refuses to house an babe longer than a few weeks and as much as I've dealt with the acceptance that my plans just aren't always His ... I apparently still have emotions about it. I say "apparently" as if I was unaware of it until now but that's inaccurate. I'm reminded by my body often that I'm imperfectly formed (and yet perfectly made by my creator....another post for another time.)

I remember when we had our last miscarriage. Those days. They were surreal and so real... More emotion than anything we had ever experienced before. But God was watching over us and showing us His more perfect plan. He was preparing us for parenthood that would just have to wait a few years longer.  Eventually, as we prepared to move forward and choose adoption, I had several people remind me that there is always room for a miracle to happen--that I might get pregnant on our own one day.  But this is a truth that I've always been aware of and hopeful for -- if that's what the Lord has in store for us, then we'll happily live that life. But I couldn't and still can't just sit around waiting for that to happen.

I wanted to be a mother. I didn't need the pregnancy to make me a mom. I didn't need to house his body inside mine for 9 months to feel connected to him, to want him or to love him with all my heart. That happened the moment he was placed in my arms at 4 1/2 months. He was mine and I was his. I was his Mom.

So I guess, as it's now 12:23am on May 13th, it's Mother's Day. And I'll have some tears today. Because my motherhood came after 7 years of tears. Because I have friends who waited far longer than me.  Because I have amazing friends still waiting with tears on their own cheeks in their desire to be Mothers. Because my body reminds me of my own brokenness. Because my motherhood came at an extreme cost to another woman. Because my little Ty is an extra big miracle. Because I know God has more miracles in store for us eventually and I can't help but wish they would come now.

So today I'm going to remember that we all have our own stories and that we all need to be loved and remembered -- no matter how our story looks from the outside.

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