This is what I'm working on at the moment:
I have a lot to blog about but much of it has to wait another day or two.
But I wanted to document one of the mind games I'm dealing with--
The day I got home to listen to our first Pregnancy results after our first Frozen Embryo Transfer, I was sooo excited. I knew it could go either way and wasn't actually even expecting positive results because.... 4 1/2 years of negative was all I'd known. But still, this was the best chance we had Ever been given and we were both just.... Excited!
I started crying (happy tears!) the second she said "congratulations!....". We were smiling so big and tears and more tears and hugging and it was fabulous. Heaven on earth to be sure.
Then came results after Frozen Embryo Transfer #2. We were excited. We were hopeful. Because we had gotten pregnant once and knew it could happen again. We sat together and pressed okay on the voicemail. The second she said "I'm sorry sweetie, but the results were negative....." I pushed it away, turned off the camera, deleted the video, and cried.
That brings us to our current situation. How am I supposed to feel? Well I don't know. I don't know what any woman is supposed to feel so I guess I'm just gonna feel how I feel.
I'm terrified. Naturally. I got pregnant once but miscarried out of the blue with no indications for the cause. I didn't get pregnant at all the other time. And this time... My body feels physically different than either time before. I have little cramps and feel uncomfortable and tired.....
It could go either way. But I have so many fears roiling around in my heart.
This is our last little one. We aren't ever going to do IVF again after this. We've been fasting and praying so hard for this one. I am so attached and yet... I feel more and more like I'm detaching myself from it to save my heart...
But at the same time, I fall asleep with my hand on my tummy and when talking to Bryce I always say "WE're coming!" Or "us" or "me and the baby!" When talking about myself.
But the thought of a negative pregnancy test...or another miscarriage....it's scary and sad and not something I want to experience.
This test result will determine the direction of the rest of our life. More so than the other results. This one decides of we'll start our family biologically or if we'll start with adoption. Yes, is possible one day that we'll have a miracle conception. I don't rule that out. But it's not something I'm going to bet on. Once we start the adoption process, they are our ultimate dream and they are what's most important. They will get my heart from that time forward.
So that's what I'm battling in my heart right now. How hopeful can I be without the possibility of being more devastated than I can handle?
But you know? I know I can't separate myself from this little one. Our hopes and dreams are with this little one right now. Our love isn't diminishing and we are praying harder every day that we can be given this Miracle. It's in the Lord's hands cometely. The Doctors have done what they can do. I've done what I can do. The decision is not mine to make. It's in His all-knowing all-loving hands and He will take care of us and all will be well.
6 comments:
I've caught myself so many times saying 'But WE need ice cream.' or 'But we're craving chicken.'
I know we have a lot of other things we can try, IUI, IVF, more injections, etc., but every cycle we go through I always wonder how much more I can take, and how much more I can handle. Obviously I'm not at my end point. :)
We're going to adopt either way. I have my fingers crossed SO hard for you two! You have a lot of people praying for you!
It's so heart-wrenching! Hope is so strange that way. I think you're right that all you can do is let yourself feel however you happen to feel! And try not to worry about figuring it out and deciding. If you hope more you might end up feeling more pain, but that doesn't mean that either emotion is wrong, it just means that you're giving yourself over and letting yourself be brave and experience things instead of keeping yourself in a protective bubble where you're watching life happen instead of living it.
Thinking of you and praying for you!
Hope everything is going well - I've been stopping by frequently hoping for good news! I'll continue hoping and thinking about you guys! Hang in there!
It's so great that you have all this documented, for yourself and other people. You might not feel impressive and strong as you go through it, but in a year or two you'll read this and realize that you're pretty much the coolest person in the world for how you've dealt with this trial. (Bryce too, of course.)
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