Little Bits of My Heart

I have a little ache in my heart tonight. It's for the little ones we're still waiting and praying for. 

It's been over a month since we decided to take a break. It's still a weird feeling. 

It broke my heart the day I cleared all my IVF medications, needles, vitamins, sharps container and calendar off my dresser and packed them up and put it in the closet. Bryce got home and I bravely told him what I had done and broke down into tears. It felt more final that our most recent attempt had failed. Luckily he knows how to hug me and make my smile come back. 

I still dream about pregnancy and babies. My most recent one was something about eating as much chips and salsa as I could because somehow it was going to help us have a baby. It was a hilarious one to wake up after and it made me laugh.

Just this past weekend we went to UT to see my sister Jennifer and her family. I'll have to do a post for the trip because it was something I needed so badly and I felt like my heart just got filled up while in her home. 

So while we were there I spent some time with Taelyn (7 years old). She and the other kids are all aware that Bryce and I want a baby very badly and that we've been going to the doctor to try to have a baby for a long time. The day I got there, we were doing something...I don't even know what but she just looked at me out of the blue and said, "We're the same, you know. Because we are both the second last kid in our family AND we both don't have babies yet!" I laughed so hard and told her she was so smart. She then said, "When you finally have a baby, I will too!". ...... hopefully not. She's still a tad bit to young for that ;) 

A couple days later I was sitting next to her at the kitchen counter helping her with her homework. She was reading a passage about insects. She finished the second sentence, looked at me and said "You want a baby more than me, huh?" I smiled and said "Yes, I bet so." and she nodded and went back to reading. 

And that was that.

While we were packing up to leave and fly home, Chase (4 years old) came down to our room and yelled our names through the door. I opened it up and he handed me a tiny tan corduroy hat. Jen said it was from him for our baby. :) It's now safely placed with my other baby treasures in the chest next to our bed.

It's coming up on a year since the auction my sisters held for us. I can't believe that it's been that long. And yet so much has happened since then and I feel like a completely different person. 

I feel stronger and more in control of my life. I feel a deeper feeling about my children and how and when they'll come into our family. 

I feel I know that there are angels on both sides of the veil here to help us carry our burdens and encourage us to take another step when it would be easy to quit.