{IVF: FET Cycle #2: Progesterone injections. Kill me now}

Seriously. 

I hate progesterone injections with all my heart.

I'm a tough girl. But I'm not gonna lie, me and that two-inch needle are not friends.

Remember this from last time?

Yeah. That's how I felt. But not just when we had to do each injection every night.

No.

24 hours a day the whole 2 1/2 weeks I was getting them.

They hurt me so stinking bad. 

They tell you to do them at the very top of your bum cheek. :) Pretty much just inside from your hips. Anyway, we tried that for 4 days and I was dying and just couldn't even think of doing another injection there. So they had me try my thigh...

The Worst Experience EVER.

I tried one thigh and that was it for me. I was completely unwilling to try the other thigh. I couldn't walk. It was hideous and so freaking painful.

So when I contacted the office to tell them, I practically begged (crying) to switch to suppositories like last time. But they said no. Try it in your deltoids.....but only go in half way with the needle instead of the whole two inches. 

Tried it. It was rough but bearable once in each side. But then...again, once we got to the second shot for each side, I was going crazy. I still couldn't move my hips or leg normally. Standing up from a chair, getting in or out of bed, and walking....they all took so much effort and were all so painful, I had tears in my eyes every time.

I felt like such a wimp. I wanted so so badly to just be able to do what they were asking me to do.

I kept thinking

 'I'm not even asking to be like a normal fertile woman. I just want to be like a normal infertile woman and be able to handle these stupid injections!!!'

Bryce is seriously the best husband ever. He deserves an award for every single day he took care of me.

I would get home from work and start to cry because I had had to stay strong all day at work and just deal with the pain. But as soon as I parked my car at home at 5:45 pm I'd be in tears. I'd get inside and he'd help me set up a bed on the couch and he'd figure out some kind of food for me to eat and he'd get me my medicine that they had me taking every 6 hours for the pain and get my heating pad and get me my phone and turn on the tv or whatever it was that I needed.

And almost every day, it seemed, I'd fall asleep on the couch during that time and I'd wake up to Bryce helping me to bed where he, again, had all of those things ready for me. Phone plugged in on my night stand, heating pad plugged in and ready. My medicine and water on my night stand. And the bed all nice and neat with the covers even pulled down perfectly for me.

I couldn't get out of my own shirt on my own or undo my bra alone. My arms had swollen up so much I could barely move them. So he'd have to help me with all of it. 

I hate feeling helpless. It's the worst feeling. 

I came down with a fever twice while I was on the shots. The first time was either because an infection was starting in my hip or simply from the stress it was all causing on my body. I was not myself at all.

I was a mess.

I begged to be taken off the shots....again. She said to just try to make it a few more days. (that's what she had said a few days before that!) She wanted to get me through the transfer. Which, I don't blame her for. And I totally understand why she kept me on them and I don't disagree with how things were handled. I just wish my body would cooperate better!!!

Anyway, so we made it to the transfer and we continued to do the shots but switched back to my hips because I ended up getting an infection in my left arm that caused another fever. (Not something you want to happen after a transfer!)

So they had me switch to doing the injections in the morning and also had us do the shot only half way in my hip, just like with my arms. 

This made a really big difference and I was so grateful. I was still in a lot of pain but it wasn't going into my whole muscle and my hip joints so I was able to walk again with little difficulty and I wasn't limping anymore so I was on cloud 9 to be able to function better. Even if the pain was still there.

So....that was what was up with the Progesterone shots. I discontinued them as soon as we found out that we were not pregnant. So it's been a week since that day and I have 95% range of motion in my arms again and just two small knots in my hips that hardly bother me! Of course I'd rather be doing the shots still and be in pain than to not because we aren't pregnant but.....I have to count my blessings. I'm grateful to have my body back and grateful to be able to sleep on my sides and to sit up and stand up, roll over in bed and dress and undress myself without screaming in frustration and pain. 

I don't really know why I am going through these very physical trials and waiting trials. I don't know why I came to earth with a body that doesn't function properly. I don't know why we felt so strongly that we had to do IVF before the end of 2012 when it still hasn't worked almost a year later. I don't know why I've been blessed with talents that all seem to revolve around babies when babies are the one thing I've been denied for the last 4 1/2 years.  I don't know why I'm even more infertile than my doctor thought I'd be....

But I'm so grateful that I have such a beautiful kind caring loving thoughtful husband to go through it all with. Even though I've had to deal with really horrible physical pain in order to try but not succeed in getting pregnant, it's all been short lived. The pain isn't permanent and there's always an end. I cannot complain. I can tell you how horrible it was but I can't complain. 

I'm grateful we even have this opportunity to try such advanced medical procedures to try to help us succeed in starting our family. I never thought I'd be here. I never thought this is the life I'd be living. 

But I'm grateful it is. 

"That the trial of your faith, 

being much more precious 

than of gold that perisheth, 

though it be tried with fire, 

might be found unto 

praise and honor and glory

 at the appearing of Jesus Christ"