Premortal hearts

I don't like posting about negative things. I like to be positive and fill my life with positive things and thoughts so I certainly don't like negative ones on my blog. But today it's just gonna have to do.

The last week...or maybe two...plus a few days a few weeks ago I've felt my mind slipping into the old anxious/negative/mOODy ways. As soon as my mind has some down time all my thoughts and all my feelings seem to scream Negative.

It's been awful.

And about half of that time it's not Because of anything in particular. Already today Bryce has said to me after recognizing my mood was going down hill suddenly,

"You've been so happy all morning. What's wrong? We've been having so much fun.".

All I can do is shrug and try for the thirtieth time this week not to cry.

(I won't tell you how many times I fail at those attempts)

I could list all the things that are going on --

with me or with Bryce or with friends or with family or with work or with whatever trials and difficulties I am facing right now--

that could be contributing to my bad-moodness but really I don't think that they are the cause of this particular evil that has beset my lovely mind of late.

I don't. Because it just feels like that same old anxiety/depression that I just really loved dealing with back in the day. And honestly I would really rather not go there right now. Sorry to say- but that's just not in my schedule.

Like I said-- I don't think my current life difficulties are causing this...stuff, but it's got me thinking--

I've been trying to think of ways to look at my circumstances in a different light...

From a gospel standpoint, we are all here to gain a mortal experience.

I am here to gain a mortal experience.

I know that I chose to come down here and live through difficult things.

I feel it inside me that I chose my particular circumstances.

(and for some reason I included lots of "waiting" experiences...not sure what I was thinking ;)

I know that I was so anxious and excited to come to earth and prove to my Father in Heaven that I had the faith and the courage to overcome and endure the difficulties that would come with a mortal experience. To show Him that if Jesus Christ could come and live a Perfectly sinless life and offer Himself up for the rest of us, that I can come down and try my hardest and when I fall short, I can allow Christ's infinite Atonement to wash it away. And though I'm sure I knew it would be difficult, and that I would try over and over and fail over and over, I also knew that if I stayed close to the Spirit and Repented of my sins that I could in fact return to live in my Father's presence once again.

So I've been thinking--I have that knowledge. So shouldn't I be more able and willing--with a positive attitude and a willing heart--to endure these trials and do those things I was so excited to prove before I came to earth?

I read a quote (from an apostle I think) the other night in scripture study while studying in Alma-- about how there is a space between death and the resurrection. And it said that we will not be completely happy in that state -- even if we are in Spirit Paradise -- because we will not have our mortal bodies which are so very precious to our spirits. (I'm guessing that is something we will feel even more tangibly when we don't have them.) So the next day I ended up sharing this with a coworker because it just struck me as....almost as new information. I'm not sure I ever knew or realized that before. So in talking about it she was saying that Because our bodies are so precious to our Spirits (particularly once the veil is taken away), when something goes wrong with our bodies (broken or ill) it's Traumatic to our Spirit. That's why when our bodies can't or won't function properly, it's such a frustrating and difficult thing to face-our Spirits know how important and special our bodies are.

Anyway, I have a hard time connecting all the dots. But the ones I have been able to connect so far are that--

First: I simply need to remember to keep an Eternal perspective when things don't go so easy.

Second: while keeping my perspective in check, I need to remember that I chose these things and I need to Remember now what I knew back then. {I.E.: the Premortal Existance}

Third: although I may feel frustrated to not have control over my feelings, I can at least find peace in the knowledge that it's natural for my Spirit to want to have control...It's just wanting to maintain it's Equilibrium--to have calmness and stability within itself. (sorry if it doesn't make sense...)

And Last: to have a more willing heart--ready to prove to my Father in Heaven that my life has purpose--that I will do all I can to return to Him better and stronger than when I left.