Journal Entry February 17th, 2006

"I miss him. Today i miss him. A lot. There's always the thing in my heart that says things aren't right without him but today it's more than that. I usually don't even admit to missing him to myself, let alone out loud or in writing. I hardly ever tell him in letters that i miss him. Sometimes i'll add in a quick "miss you" at the end but usually nothing more. I don't want him worrying about me or missing me any more than he does. There's always so much i want to tell him. When i see something cool i wish he could see it too. When i hear a beautiful song, i wish he could hear it too. When i accomplish something or finish a hard project i wish he could celebrate with  me. When I take a few seconds before i walk in the house at night to look up at the stars, i wish he could be standing with me marveling at the beauties God has given us. I miss hearing his voice. I miss holding his hand while walking through a store, dancing with him in the kitchen, laughing with him, having him tease me, getting big bear hugs from him, hearing his "old man laugh", the feel of the stubble on his face, his dirty fingernails and calloused hands, hearing him breathe, hearing his heartbeat, listening to him go on and on about cars and trucks, listening to his stories about his little brother and all the fun things they've done together. I miss the comfort i always felt telling him anything and the immediate safety i felt when i was with him. The way i'd turn to him to find him watching my face, the way he'd hold me as long as i wanted him to. How he'd let me fall asleep on his shoulder while he drove, how he'd insist on holding my hand while driving even though it made it harder, the way he listens to everything i tell him and always seemed to care about my opinion and point of view. How he could pul facts about me our of thin air that i couldn't remember even telling him. His curiosity about Everything and how and why things work the way they do. I miss hearing my cell phone ringing at 3 in the morning because he wanted to tell me he loved me or that he couldn't sleep and asked that i just talk to him for a few.  The way he'd remember everything i forgot and how he always knew how to make things right. The ways he'd have me call him after driving somewhere to let him know i was safe, how hard he'd try to get my parents to like him. The ways he handles kids and teases them and in the process becomes a little boy again. How ultimately precious I feel in his presence."