Pushing on Doors

I try hard to keep my blog real. I want to share goodness and light and truth but I want to share my struggles--so that if anyone else feels the way I have felt (and I KNOW they have!), then maybe we can connect or maybe she can find a way to make it through another day with a little hope in her heart. Or maybe you can share with me what has helped you through what you are dealing with and it can help me.

We all have heartaches and unfulfilled wishes and struggles. And though, sometimes I wish I didn't have mine....I probably wouldn't trade mine for yours. Because I know mine is tailored to me and yours to you.

Anyway, I wanted to share a recent heartache I experienced and then share the beautiful blessing I received after the deep pit I felt myself sinking into that lifted me up and gave me hope.

In order to tell you about this day I had last week, I have to back up....Ten years. (I know...I'll try not to be long winded but that's probs not possible with this one....sorry!)

Please know, what I share here are actually several very special and even sacred experiences but I've been feeling a push to share them so....here I am being brave.

**********************

Texas, 2005:

I was Senior in HS and dating Bryce, who had graduated in 2004. I flew from where I lived in Flagstaff, AZ to visit him where he lived with his family just North of Dallas, TX.

While there, he received his mission call. It was an awesome awesome day. He was called to:

Antananarivo, Madagascar

FF (fast forward): he served his mission there for two years (2005-2007). He fell in love with the people there (I'm sure like no other missionary ever does, right? ;) 

FF: one year, to 2008. Utah. I married my Malagasy-speaking HS sweetheart and love of my life.

Over the course of the next five years, trying to conceive, we talked on and off about adoption. We planned to adopt- eventually- but weren't in the position financially or emotionally to do so yet. 

FF: to 2013, we had moved to Texas and were in the thick of IVF treatments. 

I was plunging needles into my stomach and butt every day and popping pills and trying not to be an emotional monster. After our second round (first round, I miscarried and the second round was a failed attempt). Calling it a "failed attempt" sounds like a quick, no big deal kind of thing....let me tell you: it wasn't that. 

I was as humbled and meek and tender-hearted as you can be. I felt broken and the Lord was my constant companion as I relied on him daily, hourly and sometimes minute by minute to hold onto my hope and my faith.

As I drove to work one morning, I was pondering and silently praying, again.

Adoption popped into my head. This wasn't out of the norm and I listened and waited and contemplated how and if we could make it work yet. But as I pondered, driving on Long Prairie Rd, my mind and heart caught onto the same simple thought:

I have babies in Madagascar. 

It was that simple. But I knew it wasn't my own idea. It was His.

(This is a painting Bryce bought on his mission in 2006 of two Malagasy orphans)

I immediately called my husband and told him my thought and He received the same feeling and knowledge that it was right. What I didn't know in that moment was that God was just preparing us....very far in advance.

Aside from the long list of qualifications, it turned out that Bryce was still three years shy of being old enough to adopt from Madagascar. But we came to understand that this was ok and would give us time to do our third round of IVF and then get prepared financially for the $30k price tag of a Malagasy adoption. 

Over the next two years we experienced another round of IVF, another heart-wrenching miscarriage, months of heart-healing and months of rebuilding my hope & faith that had worn so thin in the face of such heartache.

FF again: This brings us to 2015.

We got certified to adopt domestically to adopt here in the states because we felt it was right and good and because I often dream of a tiny baby curled onto my chest and my mother-heart wants to burst with the love I feel for that one-day baby of mine. 

So a week and a half ago, we hit the 12th birth mother that didn't work out for this reason or other. (I won't even get into all of that...) But it brought me back to emailing the ONE agency in the entire USA that does adoptions from Madagascar. I've talked to them many times in the past and, again, had just been waiting for Bryce to be old enough. But he's turning 30 in March so I figured we could get started with other paperwork between now and then.....

I've learned a lot in the last few months of working with birth mothers and agencies and attorneys and social workers. So I asked this Malagasy adoption agency a question I hadn't ever asked before:

"You're a Christian agency; do you have a Statement of Faith that you require adoptive parents to sign?"

I knew they were a Christian agency. Perfect! We are Christian! We believe in Jesus Christ. We believe that he came to earth and lived and died for our sins and heartaches and disappointments and pains. We love him and strive to be like him. Our church is named after Him. We believe in the Bible and along with it, the Book of Mormon, which is another Testament of Jesus Christ.

But they sent me the Statement of Faith.  Because we believe in more than just the Bible, we cannot sign that form. If I wanted to sign it (if we want to adopt from Mada) we would have to claim to believe that no one on earth has had revelation from God since the Bible.

We cannot sign it. I cannot sign that form.

I explained that we couldn't sign it and they've already told me directly that their policy is that adoptive parents MUST sign it in order to partner with their agency.

But I have babies over there, Lord....

The day I found out that we couldn't use the one and only agency that Madagascar will deal with...the anguish of that day was on the same level with  my miscarriages.
I couldn't breathe.
I couldn't stop crying.
I prayed...loudly...to the Lord in my car as I drove.

I knew I needed someone to talk me through it so I called my Dad but he was at work and couldn't answer. So I called my sister, Jen.

As we talked and I sobbed, I had to pull off the highway and put my head my knees to keep from passing out. I was lightheaded and my arms were tingling (from lack of oxygen apparently). I was talking to her on the phone when my dad started calling me back, so she told me to talk to him.

I switched over and it took three tries to be understandable to him through my sobbing.

My babies....He told me my babies were over there, Dad. And now he's taking that away? Where is HE in this? Where is HE? I don't understand. 

Dad was able to calm me down eventually. He always knows what to say...even when he tells me he doesn't know what to say....he still does.  After a bit, I determined that what I needed was a Priesthood blessing. I needed God's love and His reassurance over me. But Bryce was flying and unreachable, I don't know who my home teachers are and my father was states away.

So I called my old Bishop who lives close by and knows a lot about everything we've dealt with over the years. He came right over and Bryce actually got here at the same time. (Dad told me to imagine his hands on my head during the blessing):

I was reassured of God's love for me, of His awareness of my situation and what had happened, and that moving forward I would have angels round about me and his Spirit on my right and on my left.
Then he told me that the way was already being prepared for me to become a mother. That His plan was already set in motion and that the time is not far distant.

......I don't know why we would be told to adopt from Mada and then not allowed to do so. I don't know what His plan is for us. But I know that the right door will be opened one day for us to be able to adopt those babes. Maybe next year or in ten years. I've sent an email to the agency explaining more of our beliefs and asking if there are any other possible options. So we'll see if and what they reply with.   But in the meantime, we'll keep pushing on doors until one opens and we'll keep praying for all the little ones meant for our home -- wherever they live -- here in the U.S., Madagascar or anywhere else.

We ask in our prayers for their safety, for their health and we ask for them to be loved until we can love them ourselves. 

We may not know what mountain height He will have us climb and we may not know the way through the stormy sea.

But He does.