Just Let me Cry

On our drive home last night I shared a new realization I had with Bryce and as I told him about it I felt like it was time to write about it.

It's been almost 7 months since my last miscarriage and the end of our fertility treatment journey. Although we both felt strongly at that time that being 'done' was the right choice, I still had some extremely difficult emotions to deal with. 

The first month was, of course the most difficult and the pain leased little by little over time but I still kept having sporadic days when my life felt hopeless without the future we had planned and hoped for for so long. 

Several times over the next few months as we would crawl into bed I would just completely break down, sobbing and asking Bryce all the questions that we're plaguing my heart and mind. 

The very last time I had one of those difficult nights and Bryce pulled me to his chest and asked what was wrong, I said that it was nothing new; it was all the same difficult sadness that is so hard to let go of. He asked what he could do for me to help, I was reminded of a Hilary Weeks song, and used her lyrics to explain, "the pain I feel isn't going away today, so just let me cry, til every tear has fallen. Don't ask when and don't ask why. Just let me cry"

And he did. 

The Lord has heard my prayers and witnessed my tears. Recently as I was driving to work remembering and pondering on my experiences with infertility and miscarriages, I began to pray outloud as I drove. I found myself asking a question that I immediately knew the answer to: Were You there when I was losing my babies? 

He was there. I know He was. He witnessed and has felt all the pain I have felt. Jesus Christ suffered every single heartache, pain and sickness that I have felt or experienced. He suffered it all so that when those days came for me to lose my babies, He would know how to succor me in my deepest need. He's been there for Bryce and I through all of it. I didn't feel it all of the time. There were many days I couldn't feel it and sometimes it took several days to feel His  strength coming back to help me again. 

But it always came. 

During many of those difficult days I had experiences having to share my deepest pain in situations that we're not, what I would call, ideal.  We would meet a new couple at church and during our get-to-know-you conversation (all light-hearted and friendly), the two questions always came: "how long have you been married? (6 years), Oh! So do you have kids?"   I never faulted anyone for asking. I personally think it's totally natural to ask.  But for those days, knowing how and what to say in return was so hard. 

So hard because how much or how little do you share? If you don't share it now, and you become friends you'll have to share it eventually anyway. But every time I had to explain, it was like a knife twisting in my gut. Making the pain multiply. 

So on those days I wondered if that pain would ever go away. 

So the other day as we drove, I realized that in the last couple of weeks, I have met several people and been in new situations, and I was able to answer those questions without the knife turning feeling. It's still a twinge in my heart for the love I had and still have for those little ones we lost. But I've found my way to briefly explain our story, and our hope for our future in a way that helps me come close to those I speak to without the fear or dread of the awkwardness or pain. 

And my realization was that -- it is because my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He has taken my pain upon Him and He has lifted my hands that have hung down and strengthened my feeble knees. He has come through for me and has helped me carry the load I've been given. He hasn't taken my problems away but He has made me able to bear them and learn from them. 

And for that Ill forever be grateful.