I've been reminded today of when I was the RS Pres in our married student ward a couple years after we had gotten married. One of my counselors miscarried her first pregnancy and when I found out my heart broke for her. I had already been experiencing the heartache of infertility for some time and was so grateful that I had never miscarried because I knew it had to be ten times worse than just not getting pregnant at all.
I sat down with the rest of my presidency and we talked about what we could do for her. We wrote her a card and bought a potted orchid and I went to deliver it.
I was praying so hard that they would have peace and that all would be well with them. I felt completely unqualified to be delivering such a small token of love to a family that was hurting so deeply.
But as she opened the door to their small town home, they were standing there together and you could see clearly their emotion in their eyes and entire demeanor.
But what hit me the most that day was the Spirit I felt radiating from their home. I think it's the strongest I've ever felt it. There must have been angels there with them that day comforting their hearts and speaking peace to their minds because it was just so......tangible and real. I felt blessed to have witnessed it, if only for a moment.
I don't know how they actually felt that day. I don't know if they were aware of the Spirit's presence in the midst of their grief. And I've wondered over the last couple of days if that same thing is occurring in my own little home and I just haven't seen or felt it yet.
I know the Lord comforts His people. I know He sends Angels to minister to those in need.
Bryce and I have both been surprised at the amount of peace we already feel. Grief, anger, disappointment, sadness and our aching hearts are still all present but there's a blanket of peace surrounding the entire situation that I cannot account for, other than the Lord's promise of comfort and peace that the Spirit can bring.
I know I have work to do. I know I need to be stronger and more faithful and pray more fervently and more gratefully, to be sure. I'll be working on that. So I'm so thankful that He is also forgiving and kind and understands our hearts -- better than we even do.
Jesus Christ has atoned for our sins and mistakes. No doubt about it. But He also atoned for our heartaches and sorrows, our pains and afflictions.
Our limitations.
That blanket of peace overlapping all the horribleness of our situation is that atonement that's just waiting for us to embrace more fully once we're ready for it.
I found this quote around 3am today when I awoke and couldn't sleep, again.
I love this promise. It gives me that little bit of hope I need to get me through the grieving process.
16 comments:
My heart is breaking for you. Absolutely breaking. Although we don't stay in contact very much, I pray for you and Bryce often. I'll continue to send those prayers your way and hope that you will be able to feel the peace that can only come from the spirit.
I'm so sorry Cherise.
Cherise and Bryce, I'm so sorry you're going through this trial. Some day, you'll look back and think, "Okay, I get it all now." But, right now, it just sucks. Chin up.
I'm sure you are surrounded by more angels than you could imagine. You're both doing great.
Dear Cherise,
This was such a beautiful post. I can't believe all the things you've had to go through. I hope and pray that it will all work out and you will get the desires of your heart. I loved the baby on board sign on your work chair. Thanks for sharing your ups and your downs with me and your readers. I want things to work out for you and Bryce and I'm glad you have each other. Thinking of you. I hope you can heal quickly, physically, mentally, and spiritually, and you can adopt the child/children of your dreams. Xoxo
Dear Cherise,
This was such a beautiful post. I can't believe all the things you've had to go through. I hope and pray that it will all work out and you will get the desires of your heart. I loved the baby on board sign on your work chair. Thanks for sharing your ups and your downs with me and your readers. I want things to work out for you and Bryce and I'm glad you have each other. Thinking of you. I hope you can heal quickly, physically, mentally, and spiritually, and you can adopt the child/children of your dreams. Xoxo
all of your quotes are just so beautiful! i love you!!!
You are so amazing and so filled with the spirit. You are very inspiring, lady. :)
i totally woke you up, didn't i? when i text you i was hopeful your phone was off because mine always is, i'm sorry! right after i saw you on facebook and was all "crapppp". i'm so sorry.
Cherise,
I know there are not words to bind up your torn-apart heart. I know that the wounds will be painful for a long time. There is no time-stamp on grief. And that's okay.
Thank you for your testimony. Thank you for your example of love and humility. You may not feel strong, but actually very weak, I admire you and Bryce. I admire you for telling your story.
You are loved, and you are in my prayers as well. I hope that today that you find a little bit of sunshine to keep you going.
Much love,
LeMira
Oh my heart goes out to you sweet girl. your faith will sustain you. keep your chin up.
My heart goes out to you sweet girl. just stay close to the spirit and your faith will sustain you. that's all us infertile couples can do, right? keep your chin up.
I love you so much and even though I don't fully understand you're heartache but my heart physically hurts for you and my lovr for you continues to grow. You are so amazing! Sending you love and hugs! Youll be in my prayers.
You are inspiring. I am blessed to you know.
I'm so sorry, Cherise! Sometimes the trials we have don't make sense. You're in our prayers!
Cherise, I am a friend of your friend, Brie. I stumbled on to your blog from FB. First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I have also lost babies, and I don't think that anyone who has not experienced such a loss can really understand the depth of the grief.
(I hate the word miscarriage. It reminds me of something so trivial. Like tripping over a shoe on the floor and catching your balance.)
Anyway, I am the happy mother of 5 children. The first 4 came whether I wanted them to or not. (I did, for the record) And then we waited a while because we were so overwhelmed. But I had a sweet spiritual experience, and I KNEW that there was one more baby. So in 2007 we got pregnant. Just 4 1/2 months in and I went to the "big" ultrasound. The baby was still. Dead. I was alone. My hubby was home with the 4 other kids.
It was absolutely horrible. We went to the hospital that night and they induced me into labor. The next morning I delivered a tiny, sweet little boy. We named him Caleb Gabriel.
I don't tell you this to make you feel sorry for me. In fact, if you feel sad at all, I am so sorry. I tell you, because, 6 1/2 years later (and another loss, this one at 9 weeks) we are so happy. I have a 5 year old little boy named Jorgen. The bitter pain and anguish literally disappeared with his birth. I mean it was GONE. I love Caleb and I can't wait to see him again. But I feel no sadness when I think of him. None.
Hang in there girl. This pain will heal. The Balm of Gilead will heal you. You are in my prayers.
Thank all of you beautiful wonderful women for your love and support. I really cannot tell each of you enough how much it means to me, and to Bryce as well, to have so many amazing people offering such wonderful words of love and advice. We love you all! Thank you for letting me know you're here. Again, it warms my heart. -cherise
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