I could write chronologically. I could just tell you what happened yesterday or I could not blog at all......
But it's 5am and I can't sleep. Wide awake and it's not changing.
I've been thinking about my blog a lot over the last couple weeks. Only a couple of people normally comment. Which is fine. It's mostly for my journaling purposes anyway. But during the last couple of weeks I've had so many people tell me they're waiting for me to re-post with an update or that they've been praying so hard for us. And many of them (of you!) I had no idea they were even aware of our journey and that we were waiting for pregnancy results.
So if you are here, reading about my life....can you leave a comment? I don't care about being a popular blog or how many people are reading. I just want to know who is reading....who is being a part of our lives. It would help my heart.
You can even leave a comment like I do on my sister's blog, "Cherise was here..." so she knows I read it. I am a horrible commenter, I admit. I never know what to say! So just at least let me know you're there? xoxo
Where do I start? .... seriously.
I'm numb at the moment.
What you're reading here is just me. No pretense. It's in the very center of one of the worst weeks of my life. The precipice of the rest of my life that is going in a direction I hadn't planned on heading quite yet.
I have a Unicornuate Uterus. Glad you could know that about me, hey?
Well I do and now you know. I was born with half a uterus. I didn't know until I was 26....until we had been trying to conceive for 4 years already. Until we had already been to three doctors. So yes, half a uterus. I'm being literal. Half the size, half the volume. It limited our fertility treatment options because so many treatments have high percentages of becoming pregnant with multiples and we are strictly limited by space. If I were to get pregnant, it needed to be with only one. Which is what brought us to IVF.
I wouldn't change any of it. We approached the decision with more prayer and thought than you can imagine. We didn't even want to do fertility treatments in the first place, let alone In Vitro Fertilization.
But it was a clear-as-day answer and there was no denying it was the Lord's plan for our life and what we needed to do next ..... and do right away.
We thought though, that because it was The Plan that it would provide the results we were looking for. We ultimately had three chances to conceive with IVF. I conceived the first time, miscarried. The second time was unsuccessful.
So that brings us to right now. To me sitting in bed in the wee hours of the morning unable to sleep, wondering how I can keep going to work, how I can keep making my lunch every morning, how I will shower each day... without breaking down or giving myself a migraine holding it all in.
I'm grateful to know that adoption is Always been in our plans and has an extremely special place in both of our hearts. The Lord has been preparing us for a long time.
But there is grief to be felt and dealt with. There is anger and sadness and disappointment to get through before this chapter of our lives is left behind.
(Two weeks ago) The night before my first (of three) pregnancy tests at my doctor's office, Bryce and I were driving home from .... somewhere. I can't even recall where. But I had my seat all the way down trying to relax or sleep even, while Bryce drove home in the darkness.
I was overwhelmed and nervous and anxious and scared and hopeful. And scared to be hopeful. I sent a text to my sister Jennifer:
"If I don't get preg, how can I not be angry?"
That question had been weighing on my mind. I am not an angry person. I don't hold grudges and avoid contention like the devil. But this was something we were told to do. IVF was meant for us. We were meant for IVF. It's the plan. There was no doubt about it. And yet, I had this sickening feeling that this time...my body just wasn't feeling right and my mind wouldn't calm down.
Bless her endlessly, she texted immediately:
Impossible
I know I will be. I'm going to punch something. .... or maybe break all my dishes..... and then spend as much as I want buying new ones.
That's fine
I would too.
Gotta feel whatever you feel!
OK
With NO guilt
Just let it aaaaallll out. You have to give yourself permission.
I'll feel the guilt, I know I will.
Well I'm telling you that you can be angry and as upset as you need to be.
OK
The important part is to just not STAY angry. You know?
Yeah....feel it and then let it go
...'Turn away and slam the door' ?.....lol
Yes! lol
:) But I AM going to be preg so.....
YES!
So it was a plan. If I didn't get pregnant. I would let myself be angry, throw all my dishes, one by one and break all of them. And then let it go.
But I was going to get pregnant. I hoped so anyway.
I didn't get the chance to break all my dishes, as therapeutic as that would be. Because I, indeed, was pregnant.
38 comments:
Hey, Cherise. I'll fess up-I'm one of those non-commenters that faithfully reads your blog. I love reading your blog and I have really enjoyed getting to know you a little better because of it. I don't have the same struggles that you do, but I do have struggles, and your attitude and outlook on life is a strength to me. Just thought you should know :)
Julianne- thank you!!!! We love you two as well! Bryce appreciated Andrews texts last night so much. They meant a lot to him.
Hi! I found your blog since my husband is also in helicopter school and was looking for other wives that are going through similar times. We have a large family, so I always hesitate to post on blogs where someone is struggling with infertility because I don't want to push it in their face. But I couldn't not post and say how very, very, very happy I am for you! Congratulations!!!
Hey Kim! I'm SO glad you found me because of that! So cool that your hubby is in flight school too! That's awesome! I'm so excited to have a connection like that now.
That's super nice of you to be considerate of that with those going through infertility. What a sweet woman you are!
I did want to just let you know though (sorry I didn't make it clear!) that I miscarried. :( Ill be posting the rest of our story today and tomorrow.
But thank you for the congrats anyway! It was a wonderful time being pregnant for a bit. Even if it was short lived. :)
I just almost can't even read this knowing how it ends. My heart is breaking for you and I can't even imagine going through this, knowing it's the closing of a door in your life. I cried my eyes out for you yesterday and I'm just watching it happen...I remember crying harder than I ever had before when I miscarried, but that's only a part of what you're going through. I can't even say how sorry I am. I would try to say something hopeful but you know all that stuff already and right now it's just sad time.
1. I am horrible about keeping up with other blogs, especially when I can't remember the stupid link (why??? It's your NAME for crying out loud! I'm stupid for not remembering it)
2. That being said, I do read it. I am there! Just not as often as I'd like to be, because of my forgetfulness...
3. I'm very glad you're getting it all out there. For YOU. You know how I feel about it, how I feel it's cathartic to me to blog stuff, whether 100 people read it or no one. So, I'm glad you're helping yourself by doing it.
4. I know you and Bryce are private people and the auction and everything else was tough for you to do for that reason. So I applaud you for being so brave by putting this all out there. No one needs or "deserves" and explanation, but it's super sweet of you to acknowledge all of the people who have been pulling and rooting for you guys.
5. Again, I am so sorry for what you're having to deal with right now. I just cannot even fathom the range of emotions and what you are trying to cope with right now.
6. I think I'd definitely break each one of my dishes. (I've been wanting a new set anyway...and actually remember my mother doing just that one night when she was super pissed. And she had been wanting new ones. She got them after that...)
7. I'm still sending you big, big hugs. I know you have 5 sisters, a mother, and many awesome friends who you'd turn to first, but I'm here, too, if you need to cry to, or talk to, or request to be a cheerleader on speakerphone while you toss your dishes on the floor.
We love you Cherise. I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug in person and a bucket of chocolate.
You know I read regularly. I miss you and it's all the Cherise I get aside from our texts and Occasional phone calls.
You wrote this beautiful, I could feel the pain in your words, although I can never know the amount fully without being in your situation.
After my last miscarriage I was given a beautiful blessing that stated that the Lord controls every ounce of our bodies and when he said something should be, it will be, no matter what science or common sense tells us. He is in control. There must be a beautiful Malagasy baby needing you sooner than you thought. Who knows what will happen after that, it's in His hands.
As if I can even begin to comfort your aching hearth, I just love you so much.
In the furnace God may prove thee, thence to bring thee forth more bright.
I'm a friend of Jen's. I've met you a few times and have been told a million and one times how amazing you are not only from Jen but her darling kids. I've been down the road of infertility for many years. I get it. It's tough and can feel very lonely. I love your outlook on life and your resilience. I wish I could be like you and find happiness in all things. I've prayed for you and cried for you multiple times. You are a beautiful woman and will be a mom, one way or another, to some very lucky babies. Adoption or whatever the plan that our Heavenly Father has for you will make you a very happy mama.
Keep praying for peace and understanding! Thank you for sharing your journey. Always sending prayers and love your way!!
Cherise, you know Dad and I are here for you with breaking hearts too. Thank you for your beautiful words and faith. Just wish so much that I could change it all. I know there is a precious family waiting somewhere but why does it need to be so difficult to find? Wrap yourself in our huge hugs!
I'm so sorry to hear about the miscarriage. :( That's such a painful thing to go through on so many levels. I'll be praying that He brings you both peace. ((hugs))
I've been reading for awhile but I can never think of anything to say. I still can't, of course, except that I wanted to let you know that I have been thinking of you and praying for you. I'm so sorry that everything has been so hard. Hugs!
Katie Heitman Miller
I'm reading.
I'm praying.
My heart aches for you. Sending so much love and prayers for peace.
I am a faithful reader! I am so sorry for your losses, and I pray that you will feel some comfort and peace through this trial. I can relate on some level, having experienced infertility, miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy, and how frustrating, raw, and deeply heart breaking it all is. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with it all, and I appreciate your realness and testimony that strengthens me through my trials.
Hi Cherise,
My name is Jessica and I live in Michigan. I stubbled upon your blog back in September when I was struggling with OHSS and was looking for someone to relate to. I have been faithfuly reading ever since. Thank you for sharing so much. Reading your blog has given me comfort knowing I'm not alone in the infertifily world. I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.
I'm always here, reading. But I'm usually reading on an app on my phone which doesn't let me comment. I"ll try to be better about that. I know how important it is to just know who's out there reading. Love you dearest.
I commented earlier but don't see it now.... I love you. I love you so much! I feel so honored to have you as a sister. You just bring so much inspiration to our family. The way you are so faithful, so caring, so willing to do whatever the Lord wants. It's beautiful. Love you so much. Go smash some freaking ding dong dang dishes!!!
I also want to say that I am adopted; my parents couldn't have children, and the deep pain that they had to go through means something in a very real way to me. It means that I could have my mom, who I think might actually be an angel, and who was prepared to be the amazing parent that she is, and a father that is wonderful and who I can look up to. It's a beautiful thing that I get to keep them forever and that something so beautiful can come from the ashes of heartbreak and tragedy. I can tell that the two of you are also saints and that one day someone will be so blessed to call you their parents! I also know that although it will probably always be sad and hard, the darkest days won't last forever... there will be sunshine again and beautiful, wonderful days! But in the meantime, let yourself feel the pain or numbness or sadness or anger or whatever it is that you feel, and know it's okay to feel that way! You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I'm here! And praying for you so hard! You are amazing! And you're Pregnant!! That is so wonderful! Praying that your numbers continue to climb and you get good Beta results and wonderful Ultrasound results. We're all rooting for you!
I'm here, sharing your pain & sadness & loss & sending hugs your way. I don't think I could handle this as well as you both gave. You are amazing & wonderful. I KNOW you're going to be an AMAZING Mom to some of the luckiest kids in the whole wide world!!!
Thank you Sara! I am sorry though if it's not clear. I miscarried yesterday. We sure were happy to be pregnant for a while. But I guess it's just not meant to be yet.
I'm here. Going through tough things of my own currently, too, though no where near what you are going through. I do pray for you and eagarly await way God has in store for tou. I'm behind on your posts a bit, so I'm going to go catch up :-)
Oh Cherise, I'm so so sorry!! You are SO strong. I can't imagine how difficult all this is to write about but you've made such an impact in so many peoples lives. I love and miss you! Let's have a phone call soon. <3
Oh Cherise, I'm so so sorry!! You are SO strong. I can't imagine how difficult all this is to write about but you've made such an impact in so many peoples lives. I love and miss you! Let's have a phone call soon. <3
Hey Cherise, I read your blog and think about you guys all the time. I'm so sorry for what your going through and am praying for you guys!
Sheena- thank you SO much for your comments. It was exactly what we needed to hear (Particularly about adoption and all of your experiences and your testimony). I was reading everyone's comments to Bryce last night and we appreciate it all so much. I can't even explain.
Love you all!
Erin Householder was here...
I think I've read every post. I've laughed and cried with you and will pray for you!! You're wonderful Cherise!
Erin Householder was here...
I think I've read every post. I've laughed and cried with you and will pray for you!! You're wonderful Cherise!
More than anything, THANK YOU for your faith, specifically in the atonement, it helps me more than you will know! ~Kendra McCulloch
More than anything, THANK YOU for your faith, specifically in the atonement. It helps me more than you will know! ~Kendra McCulloch
Hey Charise:)
I'm not a commenter like many of these people have said. my comments just feel so inadequate. Especially when I know that I have no idea what you're going through.
But my word, what a wonderful spirit you have.
One day, in heaven, you'll get to hear all your babes tell you how much they love you and what an example you were to them.
we love you!
Angela Kelley was here :)
I don't know you, but I found your blog through Shanda Call, who is my sister's best friend.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I cannot imagine how hard it must be. I have no experience with infertility, but I am currently going through my 6th miscarriage, which happens to be ectopic, so even though I thought I knew all about miscarriage, I've been humbled once again. My feelings this time have been completely different than any of my other miscarriages. It just goes to show you can never really know how someone else is feeling.
Thankfully I have four boys, which makes this whole process easier. The two miscarriages I had, before I had kids, were so hard. My heart aches for you and I don't even know you!
I learned a little something with my last miscarriage that is posted on my blog. I don't know if it will help you or not, but just in case, here is a link: http://32spg.blogspot.com/2014/01/im-learning.html
I hope you will be able to find peace through this difficult time.
I'm a stranger. I'm a friend of a friend. I was not given the same trials you have been given and I know it's because I'm not strong enough! You are strong, you are wise. Good luck with your journey and my Heavenly Father one day grant you the sincerest desires of your heart.
I have been reading your blog from across the pond in London, England. I came across your blog one day online whilst looking for some answers to my own prayers so I did not feel so alone in my fertility journey. I too am LDS, my brother actually just moved to Utah as he married an american girl. I cannot recall exactly how I found your blog but i recall I was going through my first IVF cycle around the same time as you and then my 2nd was a similar time to your 2nd FET, we are now saving for our 3rd round of IVF. I felt I found your blog at the right time as some of what you wrote I was going through at the same time and feeling very similar. I have never commented on a post before as i know what a private journey this is but I wanted you to know i was reading, thinking of you, praying one day we both get our happy ending. I am sure we will, we both have a path set out for us and I know it will bring us the families we wish for, pray for and deserve, it may just be via a different route to others. I hope the love of your family and friends get you through this difficult time, that is what keeps me going and keeps me positive. But remember, and this is something I have to remind myself, it is ok to let your guard down and cry, be upset, be angry it is just as natural as being positive and strong. Keep faith. Beth xx
I am at a loss for words at the love and support we've been getting through this blog. We've overwhelmed to be honest. (in a good way!)Thank you to all my amazing friends and family. You guys have really shown me what it is to love.
And to so many wonderful people we've never even met:
Beth Price, I love that we can connect from separate continents! SO amazing. Thank you for your love and support and kind kind words. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers as well. I'm so very sorry you've had to experience so much heartache. I hope you get to start your third round soooooon! :) I know the waiting in between can be hard!
Felicia thank you so much for your thoughts and for sharing as well! I'm so sorry you've had so many miscarriages. I don't understand why they have to happen but I'm so happy for you that you have your boys! What a blessing. :) Thank you for your comment!
Martins of Ohio and Emilie- thank you!!!!! I feel so lucky to have so many people loving and rooting for us. Thank you for your sweet sweet words. My spirit has been buoyed up so much through your words.
I just found your blog last night, while googling 'IVF blog OHSS'. So I started reading, and then realized how remarkable it was that I found your blog, because I too have a unicornuate uterus. I want to thank you for openly and eloquently sharing your journey. I am sitting here, one day before egg retrieval of my first IVF cycle, at extremely high risk for OHSS, and spending time with your words, and I feel so much less alone. As hope and excitement compete with anxiety and fear, as all of the possibilities spin around in my brain, it has been a comfort to cry in empathy for you and your husband, and to see an example of grace and faith even while experiencing the hardest outcomes of the fertility roller coaster. I wish you joy and peace as you move forward.
Brittany- what a sweet and wonderful woman you are! I'm so happy that you found my blog and that we have so much more in common than you expected. It's AMAZIG how Heavenly Father puts us in each other's paths like this isn't it??
I will be praying so hard for you and your husband! What an exciting and overwhelming week for you! I sure hope and pray that OHSS is not in your cards. But if it is, all will be well. Please know I'm here is you have questions about anything. I hadn't met or talked to anyone who had had it when I had it so if you end up needing that, email me!
cherise.davies@gmail.com
Again, you're in my prayers!!! Thank you so so much for your thoughts and sweet words! They mean so much to me.
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