Cautiously Optimistic

So the day we got the results had been difficult throughout the day. The voicemail came on my phone around 2:30pm with the results and I just had to stare at my phone for three hours know that all my answers were right there in my hand if I just clicked on the dang icon. But I knew if it was bad, I HAD to have Bryce with me and if it was good, I had to have him know at the same time.
I had not been feeling well most of the day and being so scared and nervous that ... by the time I got home I had completely convinced myself that it was negative. I don't think I full realized how convinced I was, that is, until we pressed play and she said "you're pregnant".

Bryce had to tell me about 10 times that we were as I shook my head disbelieving. I just..... couldn't believe it was happening. Yes, I had had faith and tried so hard to trust God and believe that it was possible. But I had, apparently, completely convinced myself that I couldn't be pregnant.

But I do have to give myself some credit.

I know the numbers. I know a little too much.

They want your HCG level to be about 100-150 by that time. (Mind you, the first time I got pregnant, I was already at 260something and they climbed higher and higher every time) So when she said that my level was only 48.7, all I could think about was that it was only half the amount it should be and only a 1/5 of what it was when I got pregnant the first time.

Was I miscarrying already? Had my numbers shot up and were already declining?? Was my body not doing what it's supposed to do? What's wrong?? What's happening???

So after some talking it through and some convincing, he got me to smile and give him a hug. All the while, Bryce grinned ear to ear and called me his baby mama. (a term he used for me religiously after that).

We went out and grabbed some food and brought a blanket with us and went to the park to have a picnic together. It was nice and we talked about being pregnant and our hopes and everything.


It was a long weekend though. We didn't want to tell anyone yet-especially since the numbers were low and we were re-testing on Monday. So I started falling asleep with my hand on my tummy and waking up doing the same.

We retested again on Monday and again, I was a wreck all day. Results came.... got home and together we looked at the number. 95.8.

It should have doubled within the 72 hours. It almost did. Just a couple digits off so I felt.......relieved but still terrified. The numbers were just. so. low.

But they said to keep doing what I was doing and don't miss a dose! You're pregnant and your numbers are going up. Yes, we wish they were higher but they're going up. We're cautiously optimistic. 

That's a hideous phrase now and I hate it. Totally dumb. (no offense to my dr.'s office or their staff) I'm just ..... everything. I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm angry and disappointed and just......... disappointed.

Anyway, we were still pregnant. So we got more and more excited (despite the pains and the worry). I took my vitamins and my pills every morning and my pills every night. I did my suppositories twice a day and my patch every three days. Tried to drink a good amount of water. I was exhausted by the end of my work day. Every day. Twice I went home around 3 because I couldn't keep sitting up. I was getting out of breath and just exhausted.

So many things that could be attributed to pregnancy but also could just as easily be a bad sign.

But we hoped and prayed

so
hard.

A couple times I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep so I'd snuggle on the couch with the lamp on to read my scriptures and cry and plead again and again. Always adding that yes, I trust your will. I know you have a plan for us and that all will be well in time no matter what. But if this can be part of our plan....please let me do everything I can to be blessed with this miracle.

Please....