I got in bed and by the time Bryce came in I was about to burst. He held me and asked me what was on my mind and the dam burst. I sobbed uncontrollably. I kept having to sit up to try to catch my breath.
I tried to tell him between sobs that, now that it's started, it just won't stop. Make it stop! I was ok all day! Make it stop!
It was awful. Not a moment I want to go back to.
I hate night time. I hate the darkness. It's like it pushes all your thoughts together and forces your brain to try to compute them all at once. I've never liked going to bed. The morning is my favorite. The soft sun coming in through the curtains warming up the room. You can't beat that. Especially after a crappy night.
This miscarriage is so different from our first one. In some ways it's easier because I was kind of expecting it......but yet not. We were soooo hopeful. I just thought there was no possible way it wouldn't work. It was the plan. It was our last embryo. It was our last chance. It was our one last hope of a biological child. Surely.......surely we'd see a miracle.
(I found the pic below on Pinterest and thought it was adorable and hilarious. If you're at all unfamiliar with the process---- we underwent a Frozen Embryo Transfer. Our little one had been cryo-preserved for the last year and 3 months. It's a way to freeze embryos safely at sub-zero temps without the formation of ice. So the ultrasound pic is of an embryo placed back inside mom's uterus after being frozen. :)
Once the transfer was done and my baby was back safe again in my tummy I remember telling the Lord that the doctors have done everything they can. I've done everything I can. Now it's in your hands, Lord. It's in your hands. Please just give us this miracle. Please. There's nothing more we can do. It's out of our hands and in yours. This is your miracle. This is all you. I know it's up to you. I know you are in control and will create this miracle for us. It doesn't even matter all the stuff we've done. If you want it to be, it will be.
And if not........Just get us through and help us gain understanding. I know that won't all come at once but help it come.
5 comments:
I've been thinking of you so much lately. I'm really proud of you for being so faithful while going through these intense struggles. I'm going to try and learn from your example. I usually don't comment because I don't want to intrude and I don't really feel like I have anything useful to say, but I wanted you to know that we're rooting for you big time over here at our house!
Mrs. Rowley- Which Rowley are you?? And I'm sure our definitions of 'useful' are different. :) Just knowing someone is praying for us and rooting for us or just thinking about us is more than useful. We feel so buoyed up by other people. :) Knowing you're there is more than enough. So thank you!!!! (Just tell me who you are! :D
That is so cute! I love that little pic! :)
I agree that the nighttimes suck. There's too much that enters our brains at that time. I hate it. :(
Here's to making it through the dark night with a good man at your side. Love you.
Once I was standing at the coatrack at church and a man said this about his own adoption: "God told me 'I tried and tried to send you through your mother's body, but it just wouldn't work right. So I had to send you to her another way.'" She'd been pregnant 11 times and lost each one.
This is to say, others have gone through this, you can too.
You have some wonderful thoughts shared here on the blog. Truly wonderful.
Aunt Ruth Ann
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