A Deal with God

One night before getting our first pregnancy results, while praying by my bed, I began my desperate pleas to my Father in Heaven.  I was sobbing uncontrollably and could barely breathe. I can't count how many times I uttered "please please please please..." That's all that would come out between my actual sentences. I was so terrified and mourning so deeply for those little ones I'd already lost that I even negotiated with God.

I'd never done that before. I remember a friend telling me when we were young that she told God that if they could have a snow day the next day she would finish reading the Book of Mormon that day. ..... They got the snow day and she had to read a pretty huge chunk to keep her end of the bargain she had made. I remember thinking that probably wasn't the smartest thing to do-- make a deal with God on her own terms. 

But there I was, almost drowning in the self pity and heartache, telling God that I would read my scriptures Every Single Day I was pregnant. Please just let me get pregnant and carry my baby long enough that I can bring  spirit into our home to raise and love and care for....

At the time I knew I had made a promise and that even if He couldn't give me the terms of my promise that I would keep my end. I'm supposed to be reading every day any way for Heaven's sake! But I wanted to make some kind of promise to Him. I wanted Him to know I wanted this. So bad. 

So I did it. Every single day. Yes, it was short. Only a few weeks. But I did it. I kept my end of the bargain. And you know, I'll keep reading. Every Single Day. Even though I'm no longer pregnant. 

This morning I turned to Bryce and said "It'll be ok, right? Everything will be ok." 

I stayed home from work. I couldn't bare the thought of my routine yet. Not yet. Bryce stayed in bed til late with me and we went to the store and bought Frozen for me to watch today and grabbed some food. 

That's the other thing. I've fallen off the kitchen wagon. Cooking is just SO not interesting to me right now.  Maybe one day I'll get back in there. Maybe tomorrow.