{IVF/Infertility: Enjoying the ride and a smile to boot}

While singing the intermediary hymn during 
sacrament meeting at church this Sunday, 
tears formed in my eyes and I struggled 
to get the words out as sang:

1. 1. 
      
       It may not be on the mountain height
      Or over the stormy sea,
      It may not be at the battle's front
      My Lord will have need of me.
      But if, by a still, small voice he calls
      To paths that I do not know,
      I'll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine:
      I'll go where you want me to go.

   I'll go where you want me to go, dear Lord,
   Over mountain or plain or sea;
   I'll say what you want me to say, dear Lord;
   I'll be what you want me to be.
   
   
   
   
   I've felt this so keenly over the last two years. We've been struggling to conceive for five years but the last two have been a constant song in my heart telling The Lord that we'll go where he wants us to go and be who he wants us to be - despite the paths that we do not know. 
   
   
   He is forming us and changing us and molding us into the people He envisions us to be. He alone knows the whole plan. He alone knows the man and woman, husband and wife, father and mother we can become if we but follow him. 
   
   
   We may not be fighting the battles we thought we'd be concerned with at this time if life. Our life may not be what we planned, but because we've strived to follow the guidance of the Spirit and go the route He had in mind for us, we're becoming who He means us to become. 
   
   
   
   

   

   
   
   

   You'd think after five years of hoping and praying and planning, we'd end up being the most amazing parents ever, when we finally get the chance. Or that ill never complain about a difficult pregnancy or about the eventual poop blowouts and endless sleepless nights. 

   
   

   But guess what? I know myself very very well. I know I'll be tired, exhausted, horrified by smells, uncomfortable and most likely have terrible morning sickness and I will moan and not be the happiest camper all the time. 

   
   

   I've wondered if knowing this about myself means in just a terrible person...

   
   

   But you know, it's All hard. 

   
   

   
   

   I think sometimes we think that "once I have such and such" or "once we finish such and such" that ill be happy and so grateful and everything will be better! 

   
   

   Now, don't get me wrong; we should all be continually grateful to The Lord for his mercies and blessings and miracles He provides us so abundantly with. 

   
   

   But we can't expect and count on that once we get pregnant, once we have our own baby, once we've adopted our own babies....we'll be so happy! 

   
   

   Yes, Difficult Roads lead to beautiful destinations. 

   
   

   But that destination is not our ultimate destination. 

   
   

   My biggest goal is not to 'get pregnant.' (PS- I've don't that once already! :)  "I'm happy I finally did that! "....The End.  My biggest goal is not to 'birth my own baby'...'to adopt our babies'. 

   
   

   No. 

   
   

   Rather, they are just significant, real and beautiful realities that I hope and pray will be part of our path in this life. 

   
   

   I cannot wait around to be happy until... 

   
   

   We have to be happy now.

   
   

   Yes, oh YES! Those dreams will be OH so beautiful. They'll be spectacular sights to behold and to feel and to be in and experience. 

   
   

   But once that moment passes, the next journey begins and it will have it's own difficulties and trials and hardships. 

   
   

   So yes, this journey is difficult. But I will not sacrifice my happiness now waiting for the happiness that will come eventually. Because that moment will pass and what will I be left with if that was my only goal???? 

   
   

   If I can't be happy now, I'll never be happy when I get what I want. It's the same with money. An unhappy poor man would be just as an unhappy a rich man. But a happy poor man will be just as happy a rich man. 

   
   

   I started this post by saying I won't promise I won't ever complain when I get what I desire so much. Please don't take it wrong. I will be so completely and wonderfully grateful. It will warm my heart and fill it up to overflowing. 

   
   

   But I know the realities. 

   I know pregnancy can be hard. 

   I know parenting can be really hard.

   And I know I don't know how hard! 

   
   

   So I won't make promises I can't keep. Because I know the journey doesn't end with birth or placement. 

   
   

   So instead, I'm going to enjoy the beautiful road I get to travel with the best hubby known to mankind and smile as much as I can when it gets rough. 

   
   

   Because like I've said before, quoting an apostle, The Lord intends for our trials to be events in life, not the substance of life. And that those trials are meant to be stepping stones to further growth and attainment. He wants us to be happy and find joy the whole way. Not just at each destination or just at our ultimate destination. He wants us to be happy now.