low

Well, that was certainly a different response than i thought i would get. ...

I just have to say, reading those comments made me bawl like a baby. (still am). 

Not only have i completely fudged my new leaf goal of not thinking neg. thoughts, but i wish i hadn't even said it in the first place because I've fudged it so bad. 

I don't really know where to start...

FIRST: My house:

we live in a basement apt of a house. We moved in loving it and thinking it was so great. and then i noticed the humidity level was...pretty much worse than MO in the summer but cold, not hot with it.  then we noticed the weird smells. and then the black and green mold growing in our window sills that was there before we moved in that we just hadn't noticed until we had already been here a month. And then come to find out this lovely mold has grown ALL over my boxes of new kitchen wedding gifts still in boxes under my kitchen sink....i pull them out and the boxes LITERALLY fall apart in my hands because they're so wet and MOLDy. I had to chuck all the boxes and haven't had the heart to throw them away so all those previously beautiful new appliances are now covered in more mold in my other kitchen cupboard that i hadn't opened until today. lovely right? right.   (PS, we've been trying to get our landlords over here for a MONTH and they say they'll come by tonight FINALLY so here's hoping)     Not to mention the constant mold that grows across our bathroom ceiling that i tried to clean once a week (WITH BLEACH) but came back every time no matter how much we try to keep it aired out. ...... and that is not mentioning the stink that follows me around everyday AFTER leaving the house---it has penetrated my clothing so thoroughly that after washing it, the smell is back within 10-15 mins of having it out of the dryer. 

SECOND: (yes that's all just 1)

As i said the other day, bryce and i are now 90 % sure he'll be doing the HELI school here in Logan (yes, that will cost us $65,000). Which brought me to my decision (not a final one) to quit school and start working full time. That much money in debt scares the crapppppers out of me considering the state of the economy at the moment. It makes my $2000 of debt because of freakin mary kay look like childsplay. 

THIRD: connected to the second...

School. Yes that's what this was all about, yeah? I also blogged about this a bit ago...

I have five semesters left after this semester. and that's IF i play my cards right and take on quite a bit every semester. I may be almost done with generals but have a ton of upper division art credits to take. Which leads me to something several ppl have mentioned .... if i quit school now, what if bryce dies and i have to support myself? Well, even with a Bachelors of Fine Arts with an emphasis in Drawing and Painting, the only options i have are selling my art (already try that) and doing seminars at colleges, towns....etc. wherever i can get one and have like...mini classes and demonstrations.....not exactly what i want to do with my life. 

Every time i've considered quitting school, ppl have said well if you can't do anything with your major than switch. My answer: nope. This is what i'm doing if im going to stay in school. I don't want to do art education and honestly don't have any other interests that would cause me to want to stay in school another three years in order to switch.  

So that just leaves me wishing i hadn't turned over a new leaf because all i want to do is cry and think about how crappy i'm doing in school and how much i hate painting and think my work is crap-o-la.  or how at the moment i'm supposed to be cleaning my moldy house so that when the landlords come they dont' think its moldy because of us.  OR how according to some enlightening internet research Jen did for me, exposure to mold can cause headaches (bryce-everyday), constant sinus infections, cancer, neurological diseases, fatigue, muscle aches,  allergies, sensitivity to certain chemicals, ... oh and here...

allergies arthritic-like aches asthma bloody noses chronic headaches coughing "crawly" feeling skin depression dizziness or stuffiness epileptic-like seizures equilibrium or balance loss fatigue flu-like symptoms

irritation of the eyes, nose or throat loss of memory loss of hearing loss of eyesight nausea restlessness runny nose sinus congestion skin rashes sneezing trouble breathing unexplained irritability upper respiratory distress toxic headaches

To say the least, we've been looking for another place to live for almost two weeks. and this week we ARE GOING to FIND a place no matter what. i can't stay in here. the last two nights, the smell on our newly cleaned sheets was so bad i had to pull out a blanket thats been packed away and cocoon myself, including my head in it in order to sleep.

Like Jen said on the phone though, at least I'm married and i don't have to worry about that. 

Lol