Decisions

(Warning: very dangerous emotional possibly PMS-ing female )

I've been thinking alot today about how I spend my time and what things I devote that time to. Bryce and I have talked about it several times recently and tried to agree.... see, I quit my waitressing job at the end of last year to start selling Mary Kay because I, and bryce too actually, felt that it was a good idea---

*I could stop killing my body, especially my back

*I could stop working on Sunday and actually feel like a member of a ward

*I could make my own work hours and work easily around a school schedule and eventually around kids and even work from home.

*I could make more money

*I could do something I was really actually interested in

*I could stop being so frustrated at the end of work (i would always come home in a bad mood because of customers etc)

.....The list at the time was even longer than that... much longer actually but now, after working as a consultant for seven months I just feel frustrated. I've felt frustrated for a long time...since I first signed up actually. But every time, i've just told myself   it'll get better and someone will say yes and someone will want to listen and seem interested, someone will want to buy something, It'll be worth it Cherise, just you watch, just give it a little more time.  But even after seven months, the Yes's and the Interested's are just too few and far between. I have all this inventory sitting in my house waiting for me to sell it but every time i get up in front of a group of women i just feel silly. I feel like they're all just staring at me wondering what in the blank is she going on about and why is this taking so long and why did i say yes to coming to this thing? 

The funny thing is, I know most of the women aren't thinking that at all and I know SO many women do this as a career and love it and succeed and wouldn't quit for Anything. And i know that if i do want to succeed i need to be positive and "play the numbers game" and remember that the more women i talk to the more sales and recruits i'll get. 

But i just don't know if i have it in me. I take things too personally and I'm emotional  (i'm sure NONE of you know That by now- HA!) 

Anyway, the lack of my contribution to our income is making me feel pretty dang horrible considering Bryce is working two jobs-14 hours a day between the two and staying so happy and wonderful and positive. And he still tells me not to worry and that he doesn't mind and that i do more for us than he does because i make our house a home and run all his errands and do everything he doesn't have the time for. 

.... He's so dang sweet i don't know what to do. I want so badly to be able to contribute so much more financially now before kids come along. But a saleswoman is apparently not up my alley.  So...that's where my website came in ... After all, I'm going to school for Art and that's what i LOVE to do. I LOVE to draw for people. I LOVE to create and make things beautiful. I LOVE to see people's reactions and see how happy they are. I LOVE being able to look at and study an adorable baby's face for hours while I recreate them in pencil. i just love it. But I have no idea how to find the people that want that. I want so much to use the one talent i really have that i actually have confidence in and feel I'm good at. But i feel stuck. 

Stuck 

stuck 

stuck.

Unstuck...yes, that's what i need. to be unstuck. Not stuck. mmm.... positive words... positive vibes, successful, happy, faithful. Faithful. 

Yes, faithful.  

I OBVIOUSLY need a journal to put all that negativity up there in.