intentionally helping {hard} be happy

{Before you read: I'm not sure why I'm supposed to share these but I've felt distinctly that I'm supposed to blog more about the real stuff.  Also, this list is made up of things that have, over time, come to work for me and things that I have learned. But I wouldn't blame any woman for having a hard time doing these things while battling infertility. But I can say, they've all come to be blessings to help me be happier during those hard times.}

I'm far from perfect. Every day I wake up I'm reminded how imperfect I am. I'm human, oh so human. My failed attempts over the last half-decade (well...6 years 4 months...who's counting?) to bring children into this world are a stark reminder of my human-ness. And that on top of my every day faults and mistakes and fumblings.

It can be overwhelming.

But I've found a few things, for myself, that bring me above the water's surface for a breath of life-preserving air.


ATTENDING CHURCH ....TO WORSHIP & BE SPIRITUALLY REJUVENATED (shocker, right?)

This sounds obvious but honestly, when your family only requires two spots on that long pew in a chapel filled with rows of families with children lined up on their pews, practically overflowing, it can be hard to focus on why you're at church. It's so easy to see your empty row and feel your empty womb and not get anything out of the talks and lessons on family & motherhood & teaching your children.
I don't know when it happened for me exactly, but at some point I realized that it doesn't even matter. It doesn't matter how big or small my family is or how much room we do or do not take up on a row. We are there for the Lord. We are there to show Him that we love Him and that we have faith in Him. We sing hymns of praise and joy to Him who provides. We partake of His sacrament and feel the beautiful healing effects of the Atonement wash over our wounds and our battered broken hearts.
We are there for Him; we are there because of Him.
No, It doesn't mean our lives are simple or that our hearts won't break again this week but it does give us rest, even it be but for a moment. It's enough for that breath.

LOVING CHILDREN

My Nieces and Nephews: Heavenly Father may not have given me my own babies yet but He has put so many children in my life in so many ways. The most obvious to most people are the  t.w.e.n.t.y. s.e.v.e.n  nieces and nephews I have. One from Bryce's side of the family and twenty-six from my side.
I won't lie. There have been times of my life that having such fertile siblings has not been my favorite. But I've loved every one of them when they've come into the world and into our awesome family.

One day I read a blog. I have no idea where I found this girl and no idea how to find it again but she talked about loving her sibling's children to fill in the holes in her heart.
I loved this so much. I loved the intentionality of it.

To make the choice to fill your own holes and your own hurts with love for children that aren't even yours! It was a light-bulb moment for me and one I will never take for granted.
Now, most of those 27 live far away so I'm a little limited but I found something to be intentional about.....

Birthday Cards.
I make simple little birthday cards for each and every one of my nieces and nephews and snail-mail them (have to use stamps and everything!!). I have a list on my phone of all their addresses and all their birthdays and so I just check it every week and keep a stack of blank cards and envelopes at my desk at work and two books of stamps in my wallet all the time.
I love the thoughtfulness of a mailed card and even if it doesn't matter to them, it helps my love for them increase.

My friends' kids....I call this one baby therapy: My friends are, for the most part, around my age and many of them have been blessed with a child or two by now. Some of them were required to wait and wait for their little ones and many were blessed right away.
But either way, I'm surrounded by chubby cheeks and sparkling eyes and new steps and new words. Luckily, this one hasn't been too much of a struggle for me. I love friends and so does Bryce. We're pretty social and have never felt like giving up friendships because it can sometimes be hard to see babies and kids that we don't have and want so much.

So instead, at times I have had one baby or another on my lap or on my hip at church. So often that before I knew, my now wonderful friend, LeAnne, we were introduced while I was holding my friend Whitney's baby, Kaylee and she asked how many kids I have.
"Oh, I don't have any kids" I said gently rocking side to side to keep her asleep on my chest.
"So you just have the one then, ok!".
I smiled and laughed, "no no, she's not mine either."
"But I see you with a baby every week!!" She was so confused. :)

So I call it baby therapy because holding those little ones against your chest and smelling their hair and listening to them babble and the feel of their hand in yours is good for your heart- if you let it. Promise. 

My calling in YW & Nursery: I've been in YW for 2 1/2 years and love it. I know I'm not old enough to be a mother to a 12 year old let alone an 18 year old but I often feel motherly towards them and treat them like they're my daughters. Some of them refer to me as mom and it warms my heart, even when they say it in jest.

I was recently called to Nursery, but just for second hour so I can continue to serve in YW during third hour. My Bishop, ever so compassionately, pulled me aside and asked if it was really ok to give me this calling knowing how hard infertility can be. I am so grateful for such a kind Bishop but told him that I would do it because I was called to do it.
Then I was set apart and given a blessing with beautiful words that promised a love to grow in my heart for each of those children. I cannot deny, it happened immediately. I love rocking those little ones when they're sad and building towers with them and saying 'hi' to the tractor a hundred times in one hour.

When you freely give your love to children, the holes in your heart can be filled. Sometimes only temporarily but let me tell you, when you feel like you're drowning, that one brief breath of air can sustain you longer than you think and it's so so sweet.

SCRIPTURE STUDY & PRAYER

We all know the importance of personal and family scripture study. But--for me--this has been one that has taken a while to get through my thick human head.

Reading the scriptures by chapter each night is good. It is. But I found that this was not enough. I wasn't getting what I needed. I wasn't feasting on the scriptures. I wasn't being filled.
I certainly hungered but I wasn't feasting on what would truly fill.  I finally whipped myself into shape and decided on a time I would set aside to be with Him and only Him in his holy word. So I just set my alarm clock 30 minutes earlier than I need to get up. In order to do that, I'm up during the five o'clock hour when it's still dark outside and my house is cold. (Now here's where I had to decide what to do to keep the cold from keeping me in my warm bed.....) I slip out of bed and start with a prayer and then pull on my robe and comfiest sweatpants (my husband's...don't tell!) and my slippers.
I sit at my dining room kitchen armed with my scriptures, my journal and a pen.
I study by subject now...I've planned for years (I'm being serious) for years to study this way and had never done it. (so human...)
I start in the topical guide and choose a subject I feel I need to understand more. (hope, seeking Jesus Christ, faith, rest etc...) And look up each scripture and write the ones that are extra meaningful to me in my journal and write what comes to mind through the Spirit and thoughts I have about how it applies to my life.

I cannot tell you how much I've learned .....and even better, how it fills my soul and fills my hunger for Him. He has given us these histories and journals of those who have gone before us who can teach us how to handle our own struggles. I found a scripture last week that essentially said "do you think God hasn't been given something harder than your trial before now? In these thousands of years? Trust me, He has and He knows exactly what you need and has a plan for you!" It was a beautiful find for me that morning.
Actively....intentionally searching for Him and seeking answers to my questions and difficulties has moved my heart closer to Jesus Christ. And the closer I come to Him through the scriptures and through daily prayer and attendance at church, the happier I am in my trials.

He doesn't always take our burden. Often He teaches us how to let Him lighten our load and bear it with ease.